Catch 22

If I think I am delusioned, but I'm not, then I am delusioned, but I wouldn't be delusioned because my delusion would be true.

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Art versus life

So, as I've become more cynical and less aware of social norms. Dark humor has been increasingly entering my life, it's just, something I do to cope with the fact that I feel like something is deteriorating in me, I use humor to shadow the fact that I can't really empathize with people.

Yesterday I was out of line, apparently, and it got me wondering the difference between artistic genius and mentally disease people, I could find none, many artists have been like this. As long as you make a book, painting, movie or song about the dark themes you have inside, people consider you great they even give you awards. But if you simply talk about it you get told to go to therapy.

Art, to me, is the possibility to express yourself without people judging you of insane.

I went to the psychologist today, I may have schizoid personality disorder, it's still diagnosing, but well. I don't know, knowing that I may only be some hallucinations away from being schizophrenic have me a bit disturbed at the moment.

People are weirded out by me at the moment, I see it every time I go out, I see it with my family, they look at me like I'm some sort of dangerous psychopath ready to stab them with a kitchen knife, or as if I could just down a bottle of pills and get an OD any time. That's the worse part, I don't really care about their feelings, but I am not insane and it's the looks that I hate.

Who knows, I could just write what I feel and make a character feel that and people would think I'm creative rather than insane. Seriously, society has a lot of issues. If you are a soldier and kill someone innocent during war, you are a hero, if you kill someone guilty during peace, you get the chair. I hate double standards, if what I feel is part of a character's psyche, or it's a song, then I'm awesome, if I joke about it during a conversation I'm crazy.

It's bullshit.

God, I feel like a psychology student could make their thesis about this blog. It's a good way to vent though, people don't usually understand when you tell them this, they only freak out, they don't know better. They can't tell the difference from insane to genius. Maybe there's none, maybe to be a genius you have to be insane.

Identifying problems

I'm not by any means a psychologist, I am though, very good at identifying problems the roots and everything. That's how I got diagnosed GAD, I noticed the symptoms and went to the Psych unit. Which by the way is near pediatrics and made giggle at  the ironies of life. Though dark humor has gotten me enough trouble today so I probably have to stop it in social situations.

Now however, my anxiety has stopped the panic attacks as well, it's good, I've been free of it for months, but the depression wasn't going away, I started looking into it. It wasn't depression so much as not wanting to go out with my friends, or meet new people or do anything really, except when drunk. Which may be why I like it, I am not an alcoholic but I could certainly go down that path if I'm not careful. I thought it was just depression, until I started noticing that something else happening with me lately could also be a symptom.

I'm becoming a cold bitch, and I mean that in the worse possible way, I am not only cynical, but I don't care and can't empathize with anyone it's like turning into a robot. It sucks, you can't be happy for anyone, or sad, or nothing. Which yeah, make me be able to be completely impartial, but suck when I don't know.. someone dies or something. The only things that bring me joy or sadness are linked to me.

I do spend an awful lot of time writing and in a fictional world and apparently when grouping all my special traits that I thought just made me excentric, I get an awfully close aproximation to what wikipedia tells me is Schizod personality disorder. I haven't gone to therapy in months, mainly because I was busy and well... I thought I could work out on my problems on my own. But I think I have to go again, I don't want to become a robot.

It's basically schizophrenia minus the psychotic elements like delusions or hallucinations, what I don't like is that it's been increasing in me at an alarming rate over the last past year. I'll see what the doc says, I don't wanna be right, but unfortunately for me, most of the time I am, at least when it comes to this stuff.

Shit.

Of GAD and other aflictions

You know, usually when you talk to someone it's hard for them to empathize mainly because they've never been in your shoes, or gone through anything similar to what you've gone through, which is why, many people, fall in love with others that are able to understand them better than the rest.

Maybe it is because my life is filled with quasi filmical moments that I find it so hard to relate to other people, I'm told I'm a great listener. Mainly because I've gone through so much shit and weird situations, I know I'm impartial since I'm me, but I feel like I've gone through more than a lot of people.

Relationship wise it's a no brainer, I've dated mentally unstable, cheaters, possibly drug addicts, nice normal girls, pathological liers, I've fallen in love with my best friend and I've had long distance relationships, I've done multiracial relationships too, I haven't gone out that much, but I have a pretty clear understanding of the subject. I'm also a divorce kid, I've had many people close to me die, I've had problems with family. I've traveled, I've been sick, way too much, psychologically and physically, I've been close to death twice now.

My point is, I have many issues, way too many, it's hard for me to actually bond with someone, which is why I've stopped trying, as reflected in my previous post. Also, well, my GAD has been advancing lately, and while I don't have the anxiety I had before, which is good, depression hasn't really dissipated that much.

Suicide thoughts are not new to me, I've had them on and off for some time now, though it's nothing that grave, I never really go through with any of them. But lately I don't wanna go out, I don't wanna meet with my friends, I don't really want to do anything. It's also hard for people to understand because they haven't gone through it, they just look at you like you are crazy and are really condescending. I hate condescending people, if you don't know what someone is going through then say so, don't be fucking condescending it just makes it worse.

On top of that I've had the worse insomnia lately, I can't sleep before 5 am... My anxiety has improved, yes, a lot, but the rest of it it's just taking over me faster than anything. Thankfully I have a friend that I can relate with, she's in another continent though, which sucks.

I've been thinking about a story lately, about a schizophrenic woman, it's sort of really weird and full of gore and other things, but perhaps it's a reflection of my psyche lately. I don't know... Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. The feeling that you are alone in the world and that you won't ever connect keeps roaming around my head. I don't want pity though, nor listen to fucking emo music. God, how I hate emo music, I just need to find my constant.

Where is my constant?

The meaning of life

You are born, you eat, you shit, you fuck and then you die, leaving your children to repeat the process over and over again until a meteorite kills us all and cockroaches start talking. That's life, the rest of it consists in an endless competition to see who shits more, eats more and who dies the last.

We have set up a few minigames along the way, like school, getting married, buying a house, getting a job, Christmas, porn, whatever. What do you do when these minigames are not enough though? You start writing, drawing, oversleeping, playing videogames. It's what we do.

Chemical imbalances are not rare and are part of my specific genetics, I don't know why that is important, but it's just what makes me think about these things. I've talked about the girls that have made an impact in my life, I left out one, on purpose though. Because even though I loved her and she was the most... benefitial relationship I've had, perhaps the most healthy one ever. It just... Sometimes it's not enough, sometimes maybe your chemical imbalance tells you that you can't keep doing it. It's not a decoy, it may look like, but you don't care about a decoy's feelings.

It's hard making sense, but I've reached the age I didn't want to reach. You get out of college, all your friends are either too invested with their girlfriends, or looking for love, or for sex. It's just, what if you don't want a minigame right now, what if you've had enough about relationships for a while and you just wanna enjoy a little?

When everyone is so completely obsessed over hooking up, over who is with who, who marries who. Where are the people that just want to hang out? Go to the movies, get drunk, play monopoly, the sort of stuff we did when we weren't completely absorbed by work and romantic relationships.

It is them that take the youth out of life, you never see it coming, you think it's never going to happen to you, but then one day, even if you are single, you find yourself in a suit, in an office, watching the clock tick, obsessing about relationships and life slowly going away. You have become old, you are 20 something and you already don't care about fun, just about taxes, bills, things, babies...

From now you won't even realize what hit you when suddenly you have your own mini person, pooping, puking and crying all day and all night long. It's already happening, you may be aware of it, but what are you doing about it? Chances are that by now, you've already become obsessed by what society wants you to obsess about.

If you have, then you have disappointed me. I know I have commitment issues, but maybe it's not that I don't wanna commit, maybe i just don't wanna grow up, I don't wanna be so consumed by work and marriage that I don't even fucking know how an iPod works.I don't wanna hang out with married people that only think about babies, and other couples and the most trivial shit in this planet.

I don't know who may be reading this, for all I know, no one is. But if you want your freedom and your youth as much as I do, then comfort in the thought that you are not alone.

I know what you are thinking... There are so many of them, I can't fight them off on my own, I can't simply stop hanging out with people just because they have become increasingly boring. And I will agree, they will probably catch all of us. The ones that remain will be shunned by the boring people, that think that everyone should be just as boring and miserable as they are. And then those last freedom fighters will die.

The thought that some people are able to live life and die on their own terms is endearing to me. I don't know the future, I can't say if I'll hold on enough to die how I want to die today.

Maybe I'll become a Zombie, you know, dead in life... All those family and corporate Zombies, not knowing what the fuck has happened or is happening to their lives, so fucking invested in other relationships that they can't do anything out of their own minds. Controlled by their surroundings.

I walk the streets and I see dozens of them, consumed by age. I cheer for humans, because humans die free. If I turn into a Zombie, please, cut my head off.

Bad Moon Rising

It's pretty late at night, next week I finish my major, I've got a lot of shit to do, and yet I can't stop thinking about one unrelated thing. Which sucks because well, anyone who knows me knows that when my mind is on something else I can't do much else. I'm a good multitasker as long as my mind is in blank.

But right now it's not blank, it's got so many colors that I'd make Edvard Munch proud. Since this is a recollection of my thoughts for future consult and to remind me I was young once, I guess it's okay to say what's on my mind today. To be honest, the third girl, the one I'm supposed to talk now since I've already talked about the other two left me pretty much screwed over.

This is someone that well, she was the best liar and actress I've met on my life. And she's not even a theater major, although I've gotta say, all theater majors I've ever met are crazier than a sack full of goats. But no, this girl, well, she was the third big relationship to change me for good. I guess after today that number increases to four, but I'm not sure it's alright to mix one story with the other, even if they are kind of related.

This girl, she was new, exciting, way older than me and we had so much fun, not only that, but we talked for hours on the phone, and she pretty much helped me survive a period of my life where I was feeling extremely alone. However, she was also seeing someone else, and on top of that she was married and by the end of the relationship expecting a baby. Not mine, thankfully, but if I'm being honest, she's the first girl that made me even consider have a serious relationship. I already had a plane ticket and was planning on going and living with her for a month before we broke up. To be honest I can't remember why we broke up, I think I was drunk with my friends and I told her something I shouldn't have, although in the end I guess I did myself a favor.

It's like I always say, even when you think that something is really crappy, it has a reason, it's probably saving you from something worse, or teaching you a lesson. This was exactly that, a lesson that if I let anyone near me and open up, I'm gonna end up hurt, because no matter what happens love is like that, it sucks.

Also, lets face it, it's not like I'm the easiest person to get along with, and I'm eccentric enough to know that at least in a traditionalist society like the one I'm living currently I'll hardly find someone good enough for me, which is one of the reasons I wanna go so badly. I suppose that's the bad thing of knowing statistics, when you start calculating the odds it doesn't really give much hope.

Leaving pregnant, still married, cheating bitch aside, a couple of days ago, I confessed my love for this girl I know, and she said she felt it as well, unfortunately she's not even in the same continent as me, and even though we talk everyday, and we are like really good for each other, in fact she made me have faith that maybe all hopes weren't lost you know? That maybe all my relationships weren't meant to suck and maybe I had just had bad luck with them. But well dunno, I knew we both weren't that alright with distance, me because well last time I tried the long distance thing I ended up with crazy still married pregnant woman. But still, dunno, I had hope that maybe somehow we could make it work, after all, we both felt it and all, but well, things apparently are more complicated and love isn't enough. It happens I guess, it fucking sucks though because I'm still crazy about her, I don't think I'll ever stop being, if I read this in twenty years I bet remembering her will bring a smile to my face.

And even though she returned my faith in love, and made me feel like I don't have to be in a relationship just to kill loneliness or just because it's comfortable, I still feel like giving up on relationships altogether again. At least not also in love like last time, but maybe I'm simply not meant to meet someone that makes me happy and that I make her happy as well. I guess some people just don't have that much luck.

Regardless of what will happen to me, I know that at least for this week I'm screwed, I've got so much to do and I really don't see how it's gonna get done with the mental state I find myself in right now. It's not like I'm sad, or mad, or depressed, although maybe that's due to the antidepressants I am taking now... but I just feel like... giving up. Just raising my hands and wave that white flag like a bitch.

Today, I just wanna go to sleep and wake up next month. Because not only do school ends this week, but all my family and friends come for graduation in two weeks, and having all my family asking me why I look like a living dead is not going to be fun to answer. Also, my ex-girlfriend is sitting with my mom's family... I just realized that... Fuck, I'm screwed.

My mom's family... well, I could write another 2000 words post on them and how their criticism has affected me since I was little, but I don't think I have the emotional will to remember all the times I've disappointed them. Whatever I do isn't enough, if I have a girlfriend she's not good enough for me, if I don't have a girlfriend I will die alone, if I socialize they don't like something I say, if I don't socialize they tell me I'm weird for staying stuck to the computer, if I have my hair long I should cut it, if I cut it then it's too short, if I choose to major in something I love like psychology then I'm gonna die of hunger. And it's like this every time... I just set myself up to disappoint everyone anytime I see them. So hopefully they won't criticize too harshly my ex. Or the girl I used to date that is sitting next to my ex.... I don't think I have planned the whole graduation thing well.

Honestly I invited a whole bunch of people, thinking only a handful would accept, but everyone accepted, so I'm gonna go crazy that day. But well, at least I'm medicated, I can just take extra medication to keep me from mass murdering the entire event.

In conclusion, love sucks, relationships suck, I suck at planning and I wished clones existed and I could use one for the next two weeks.

Disinhibition- I can't get no (satisfaction)

I have a long history with alcohol, when I was a kid I saw my dad getting drunk and I swore to myself I would never be like him, I would never become my dad, and that included not drinking. That line of thought carried on until I was 17, which if you ask me that was a pretty long run since my junior high classmates started drinking at age 14. However due to the list and the fact that for a long time I was pretty sure I would die young (I still think so), I decided to try it, and from then, well, I liked it.

I didn't just like the flavor, I liked the disinhibition that came with it, it made me be a different person, you know, me, but less angry, less neurotic and less self conscious, in other words a better me, also a less articulate me. Anyway, I enjoyed it, and I also discovered that drinking got rid of my insomnia, which I've had since I was twelve, and so, when I really needed a night of sleep, I'd drink till I was ready to pass out. Not the healthiest way but sleeping pills did nothing for me.

Now I'm being treated for GAD which is well, an anxiety disorder, and I'm on a different list of meds, I can't drink for a while, not that I'm addicted, I've quit for extended periods of time before, but I do like to enjoy a good beer with my friends sometimes.

The reason of this post however is that the pills are also making me lose inhibition a bit, while not drunk, which feels weird, in a good way, today for example, a teacher, that I hate for stealing our advertising group research and campaign and not giving us any recognition, was giving us a talk, so I was well... taunting him. I wanted him to throw me out of his talk, not only because I hated the topic, but because I wanted some confrontation, no one had told him anything, but I wanted him to know... I wanted him to understand that talking about respect and creativity and ideals to a group of people you stole a whole advertising campaign from just 10 months ago is not only uncool, but one of the most hypocritical things I've ever heard in my life.

I wasn't the only one talking, but he decided to make an example out of me, and I felt fucking good that he did, because as I left the classroom and he gave me one last push by commenting something about the way I left to my classmates, I got the last argument my new found disinhibition needed, I turned around and outed him as an idea thief that didn't deserve any respect from me because he hadn't earned it.

For a split second before I turned around and left, I could see everyone's faces, they were all thinking it, and none of them could believe I had just done that, the teacher himself couldn't believe I had just said that, he got pale and got cold sweat as I talked. And as I made my scene today I felt good, I felt like I didn't need alcohol anymore to be that stronger, more interesting version of me that I seemed to love, because I am becoming the person I want to be. And that, was the best thing that has happened to me all week.

I'm right on track to become the man that I want to be, a brave man that speaks the truth, that is honest, that will probably earn the hate of a lot people, the respect of some others and that will probably die young from a shot to the chest for being himself. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way, because today, I fucking rocked that room and I didn't have to stay to listen to his boring talk. Being a blunt straightforward jackass has it's benefits.

On Passive Aggressiveness

I've always had a temper, since I can remember, and when I was 10 after my parent's divorce and my short temper was well exploding as if I was nitrogen and everyone else was glycerine my parents decided to get me to a psychologist, it wasn't the last time I would see one as I admit I have way too many issues for my own good, but it was the first, and I felt like my mom and dad thought I was crazy, even though they repeatedly told me it wasn't that I was crazy, they just wanted to make sure I was okay.

My time on therapy developed two things, a strong love for psychology from there on and also that my temper became passive aggressive, I was no longer the kid that picked a fight whenever something ticked him off, but the kid that took everything in and planned his revenge quite slowly and without anyone realizing it was me. More than making me less angry, it made me less prone to show it and more inclined to plan ahead.

I hate passive aggressive people, which one would say it's hypocritical, and I would say that you can hate something that you are just fine, many people hate plenty of their personality traits, I accept me just how I am, I love my passive aggressiveness, I just hate when other people are like that.

Either way, lately, after my second trip to the psychologist I've let that personality trait go away for a more direct approach. One that doesn't involve finding an activity to vent over all the repressed anger. Although of course it still happens, I still write and I still draw which is how I let my emotions show, but also I tell people how I feel now, I try to always tell the truth no matter if people will take it wrongly and I try to not care what others think of me.

Although of course it never hurt anyone to let some steam out, I used to do it with fencing, sport that I practiced for five years, though lately writing was the most active thing I had done, this weekend however I got to play paintball, it was fun, I suck when shooting people while moving, but I have great aim.And shooting feels good.

It made me remember my time in Texas, when there was an issue about letting students carry guns on campus, the Houstonian, my school's paper polled me and I answered that I thought it was stupid and really bad, cause well drunk frat boys with guns ain't the brightest idea Texas has ever had. But it shocked me to see next day in print that out of the 5 people polled I was the only one against.

Sure, shooting is fun, it makes you feel great, but I don't know, somehow, mixing guns with the college life doesn't seem like the brightest idea the world has ever had.

Sir Elton John screwed me over

The 63 year old man probably doesn't know this, but it's because of a concert he is giving in a nearby city that today I'm facing financial problems. The corruption in the government that he is performing for is just exaggeratedly big and it's forcing the low level employees to buy the tickets, just as in the past it has forced tickets for football games, a Shakira concert, an Alizee concert, etc. Only that this time we can't afford the ticket, so my mom got fired from her work today thanks to Sir Elton John, who won't ever know this most likely, and who will spend his life oblivious to what has happened in my household today.

I'm proud of my mom for her morals and this will most likely be taken to court as it was an unjustified lay off, which she will most likely win, but I just wanted to share with the world about those things that happen that affect us.

My mom never would have thought in a million years that due to Elton John she would be without a job one day, nor would I ever imagine it, it's like someone telling me today that in 10 years Natalie Portman will have a significant impact in my life.

The concert is for a good cause, it's too bad that the organizers of the concert aren't good at all, I sincerely wished that Sir Elton John would read this, because in a way his life has directly affected mine, and that's one of those universe situations that can never really be explained to the fullest.

It makes me wonder, sort of, how many people I have affected through out my life and how different the world would be if I hadn't existed, probably not that different, but with the chaos theory in place, even the tiniest change in the initial conditions could make major changes later, but I'll guess I'll never really know how significant or insignificant my life truly is.

The pink volcano

My memory isn't what it used to be, I don't know why that is but sometimes I can't even remember what I did that morning, it's becoming a bit frustrating to be honest, the feeling that my memory is tricking me and deceiving me.Of course I'd never admit to that out loud, pride is my capital sin, the worse of the seven some say, I don't know, I just know I'm too proud to do and admit many things.

One of my strongest memories is about the pink volcano, and no, it's not an effect of any psychedelic drug, it's the title of a book, a children book that my grandpa bought to me when I was around seven. From my dad's side I'm the oldest grandkid, and perhaps I'm the only one of us all that knew our grandfather, or at least that was old enough to remember him. He passed away from a combination of Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.

I still have that book today, and perhaps I'll give it to my first grandkid if I ever have one. Who knows? But this is one of the best and saddest memories I remember. After giving me this book, which is about a giant ice cream volcano that a grandfather buys his grandkid, my grandfather took me out for an ice cream. I remember it clearly because my grandfather was usually silent when he was with me, although he always smiled, except for the last part of his disease where he wouldn't even recognize us.

I love the pink volcano because it's the strongest connection I have to the man, I mean I remember how he used to talk, how he used to walk, how he liked to drink a glass of wine every day with his meal, but like I said I feel like I have to write all of this down because of my brain. One day I won't be able to tell anyone about the pink volcano, but this way, perhaps, I will.

My grandma is well, she's one of the people I love most in the world, she's just... She's amazing and I don't think I've ever seen such a broken heart than that of my grandma when my grandpa died. Sometimes when I don't feel bad about a lot of things that I should feel bad about, perhaps because I'm a cynic or perhaps because I'm selfish, I remember the way that I feel when I think about my grandpa and it makes me feel like I'm still human and not some robot that doesn't have any emotion towards other people.

In a weird way, that small yellow book lying on my bookshelf along next to the likes of Tolkien, Rowling and Brown, is what keeps me human and what will keep me sane even through the hardest of times. It's also probably the reason why I always eat ice cream when I'm depressed to make myself feel better.