Comeback

It's been 7 months since I've started sinking, it's never been so long before. It's gone to a point where I can't really remember what it felt to not be in the shithole anymore. I can remember happiness I can remember the top hits, I just can't remember how they felt, it's all faces and sounds.

Happiness is more of a concept rather than an emotion as of late, and well after watching a movie today I realized I need to do something, get out of here, start something I like and meet someone new, make a great comeback. The only problem is that I can't, I find myself unable to get out of here, there have been some girls I've been interested in just asking out and I just, don't find it worth it anymore.

Too much trouble for a relationship that is going to end badly anyway, the chances of finding someone that tolerates me without an unhealthy obsession to just agree to everything I say without a common sense are as low as the chances of finding true randomness in Newtonian physics.

I don't have a passion anymore. I need to find the thing that gets me my life back, unfortunately, I don't know how to do that, it's like a horcrux that can't be found, you don't know what it's gonna be, or where it is, or even how you are going to get it, you just know that you need to get to it to be able to finish the story.

Seven months, it feels like fucking ever.What's gonna happen? A year ago I wouldn't have pictured this, on a fucking pill diet, with the complete psychological history chart I have on my family now. All the lying, the acting, and I don't even feel bad about it. I manipulate everyone around me, people that care about me, and I don't even feel bad about it, I'm more than broken, I'm rotten. Let's hope I don't rot everything else around me.

Love's not a competition, but I don't care either way

My teenage years were branded by what I used to call my curses, to be honest maybe they were just creepy and evil figments of my imagination. Probably, lately I've been questioning most of the things I used to believe in, it's like trying to finish a 12,000 piece puzzle except it's not 3d and you've been thinking it's 3d for most of the time and you just realized your mistake.

I'm rambling, though if you are any used to reading me you'd know by now that these collection of random and sometimes incoherent thoughts are not meant to make any sense. They are meant to serve as a guide to my past and also to my future.

Anyway, when I was I don't know, 12 maybe, Valentine's day was a big deal for me. I was a promiscuous kid, I started dating at age 11, and other stuff pretty early on too. I guess that's what I get for always hanging out with people from 1 to 3 years older than me, when I was 11 all my friends were 13 some even 14. So naturally when I was 13 they were 15 or 16 and well everyone knows what 16 year old kids do and don't do. But anyway more details on my promiscuity can be found through out all this mess of a blog, that's not what matters today.

So yeah, Valentine's, the one day of the year where everyone reminds you of your singleness, either that or they scam you into spending a lot of money. I haven't had many relationships though enough so that you need both hands to count them, and for some reason none of them had ever synchronized with Valentine's dinner except the last one. So despite all previous experiences I knew my relationships wouldn't last to february, but this last one started in february and I've learned to act enough to maintain a relationship at least past the two month mark. My problem being that I'm bored in relationships, when the I becomes we, you have to compromise half of your personality, and I've never been that good at that. My healthiest relationship was with a girl that used to say yes to everything I wanted, I broke it up when she started wanting me to say yes as well. Hey whatever, I know I'm selfish, I don't care.

The point is that I can rewind to all my relationships and know when I felt it coming, that moment where I felt like losing the I. I call it being a symbiote, you remember Venom from Spiderman? We are venom, we like to eat your brains, we love pain. God, I don't wanna be a we, I'm very happy being an I.

What I was going with this is that my curse was being alone for valentine's except that time with Heather, to be honest that was a long distance thing and it taught me not to be a moron, it also taught me that it doesn't matter if you are 11 or 20 being lied to and cheated stings like a bitch.

So last Valentine's I was actually happy, one of my curses had broken. I wasn't alone in Valentine's, I wasn't going to die without having a Valentine's day the proper way. This isn't an irrational fear by the way, I've always known I'll die young, I don't know how, or why, or when. Most likely due to my diet. But anyway, what I learned about that Valentine's day is that everyone wants to become a Symbiote. It's sad really, "Who is he?" "Oh he's her boyfriend". How sad is this? They have successfully removed your individualization, not to mention, automatically you have new friends and new family members, which can be good. But let's face it, I have to try real hard to give a crap about my own family and friends, so a mask begins, the mask that likes everyone of her friends, that enjoys stupid musicals, that likes fancy dinners and dressing properly, that doesn't watch sports. I hate that guy, not that he's whipped, he wouldn't answer orders or fake liking stuff just because, but he puts up a face of a champ and acts just to keep that feeling of closeness to the other person.

What I mean with this is that this was my first Valentine's after the break up and I didn't feel a thing, growing up I felt the need to be like everyone else, to get that experience, you know the movie one. After having it, I'm glad I'm single, I didn't think for one second about Valentine's nor about a girl actually. It felt good, sometimes turning into a robot doesn't feel all that bad you know? Sure, you slowly lose your ability to feel stuff, but it's not that bad, at least this way you know that if you screw up it's just your life that you fuck up. There's no one there to get mad or tell you off.

The second curse? Well that was just running into an old girlfriend that I hate each Halloween, talk about a witch huh? Thankfully that curse broke when I went to Texas for a year. Now I'm not cursed anymore, which is always a nice thing.

I'm not saying that Love is all that bad, it's good when you have it, I'm just saying that sometimes I don't think I'm the kind of guy that can care for others as much as he cares about himself. And I won't end up like my parents, there's no point.

Also, I learned something new that has me thinking about lots of things again, I'll have to tell the docs when I see them. Just when you think the only thing you have to worry about is turning into a fucking Black Swan, it turns out you also need to watch out to not turn into Veronika. There's a saying that states that things always turn worse before they turn better, so I should have seen this coming.

Darkness

I started this blog, not for anyone to read, although if someone does I don't really care, it was supposed to be a way to write down memories as I start forgetting parts of my past. Then it became a good place to vent about the things in my life that make it not work for me at the moment. Now though, it feels as if somehow I'm documenting the loss of what little mental sanity I had.

Everyone does stuff they shouldn't, but the more I look back the more I realize how messed up I am, I don't regret anything, well maybe a couple of things but for the most part even though I know I've done some pretty bad things I can live with it. It's not like I've killed anyone, although I've met people that have killed and somehow it just made me lose what little respect I had left in religion.

I've been going to therapy, I've actually opened up like I've never before and well, it's not working like I thought it would. So far all I've proven is that I'm slowly losing my interest in society, that I feel like I'm better than other people, not in the sense that I'm smarter, or stronger nor anything like that, only that I can see life differently, people are so... caged by their reality that they fail to see what really matters.

I've been doing some thinking into my past, it started at age, I don't know, probably 13. The first time I dreamed about something and then saw it happen. It happened some times, once at school before I met a girl, once in a party with people I never knew, at the beach looking at a street sign, and some other times. I used to think maybe there was a connection with the future, it started my interest in both physics and parapsychology.

The good thing about the internet is that if a group of different people with strange beliefs wants to, they can meet online and form a community. That's the same with psionics, though this term may be weird for anyone not in the field. It's sort of like mind powers. I really thought I had them, for more than two years. Eventually though, I started seeing people there for who they were, people like me wanting to believe too much they were special. Some really believed it, I'm sure of it, thinking back to that time it was like the paradise of delusions. I got tired, mostly because I truly believed I had it, and because the rest of them were just... Unbelievably delusional.

I still think sometimes that I have something going on, I remember a time I heard something that no one else heard and it lead to us avoiding a terrible crash, or my ability to score high in standardized tests despite not knowing the answers. Though I don't know, I've been reading enough about psychology lately that perhaps it's all really in my head, which ain't good considering the time that has passed.

I'm probably getting ideas into my head, I'm overthinking everything, I haven't really slept that well lately, and I just feel like I'm sinking. I feel as if I'm on a ship, everyone else around me died from lack of supplies, there's a storm, I don't have a compass, it's night and I have to feed on the others to survive. I wished that was an overstatement.

Whatever, I'll keep on working on therapy and see what comes up, I'll try not to think about delusions, hallucinations, and one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Most of the times when you expect something horrible it's not as bad as you think right?

I should try sleeping, and distract myself with something other than videogames, I've tried to pause my life, I don't feel ready to go at it, not at this state anyway, but it doesn't really wait for anyone. I just wished I had superpowers sometimes, make everything stop.

I don't wanna sink, but I'm not really fighting the storm, nor is there any life savers around me that I can see. The worse is that everyone around me is just so concerned and I can see the pity in their faces. I guess it's good though, I don't know where I would be right now if I didn't have people around watching over so I don't do anything stupid, I would probably be homeless and a drunk or something of the sorts.

Also, watching Black Swan at this point in my life probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had.

Follow Jesus

So, I got told today in the street, "Follow Jesus", and my mind started laughing. Seriously, that is really poorly phrased, I mean, follow him where? He is dead, the only way I could follow him now is by shooting my brains out and quite honestly I doubt I would go to heaven if there is such thing.

I've always disliked people pushing beliefs down other people's throats, I respect every religion and every train of thought, but that doesn't mean I want people to fucking attack me with doctrines and other stuff. I am way too old for this shit.

If you are one of those people that never ask why and that just follow what others tell you to do, then I guess it's alright, but for people with free thinking it's something that will never be right. I should start a campaign, in favour of everyone shutting their pie holes and trying to modify what other people believe in.

The, I don't give a shit campaign. "Hey, vote for this guy" "Hey, become Jewish" "Hey, come to a tea party", you know what, no, fuck you. Let me be my own person, stop trying to manipulate me to be who you think I should be. The only person allowed to decide what I should think is me.

And this is my random thought of the day.

Catch 22

If I think I am delusioned, but I'm not, then I am delusioned, but I wouldn't be delusioned because my delusion would be true.

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Art versus life

So, as I've become more cynical and less aware of social norms. Dark humor has been increasingly entering my life, it's just, something I do to cope with the fact that I feel like something is deteriorating in me, I use humor to shadow the fact that I can't really empathize with people.

Yesterday I was out of line, apparently, and it got me wondering the difference between artistic genius and mentally disease people, I could find none, many artists have been like this. As long as you make a book, painting, movie or song about the dark themes you have inside, people consider you great they even give you awards. But if you simply talk about it you get told to go to therapy.

Art, to me, is the possibility to express yourself without people judging you of insane.

I went to the psychologist today, I may have schizoid personality disorder, it's still diagnosing, but well. I don't know, knowing that I may only be some hallucinations away from being schizophrenic have me a bit disturbed at the moment.

People are weirded out by me at the moment, I see it every time I go out, I see it with my family, they look at me like I'm some sort of dangerous psychopath ready to stab them with a kitchen knife, or as if I could just down a bottle of pills and get an OD any time. That's the worse part, I don't really care about their feelings, but I am not insane and it's the looks that I hate.

Who knows, I could just write what I feel and make a character feel that and people would think I'm creative rather than insane. Seriously, society has a lot of issues. If you are a soldier and kill someone innocent during war, you are a hero, if you kill someone guilty during peace, you get the chair. I hate double standards, if what I feel is part of a character's psyche, or it's a song, then I'm awesome, if I joke about it during a conversation I'm crazy.

It's bullshit.

God, I feel like a psychology student could make their thesis about this blog. It's a good way to vent though, people don't usually understand when you tell them this, they only freak out, they don't know better. They can't tell the difference from insane to genius. Maybe there's none, maybe to be a genius you have to be insane.

Identifying problems

I'm not by any means a psychologist, I am though, very good at identifying problems the roots and everything. That's how I got diagnosed GAD, I noticed the symptoms and went to the Psych unit. Which by the way is near pediatrics and made giggle at  the ironies of life. Though dark humor has gotten me enough trouble today so I probably have to stop it in social situations.

Now however, my anxiety has stopped the panic attacks as well, it's good, I've been free of it for months, but the depression wasn't going away, I started looking into it. It wasn't depression so much as not wanting to go out with my friends, or meet new people or do anything really, except when drunk. Which may be why I like it, I am not an alcoholic but I could certainly go down that path if I'm not careful. I thought it was just depression, until I started noticing that something else happening with me lately could also be a symptom.

I'm becoming a cold bitch, and I mean that in the worse possible way, I am not only cynical, but I don't care and can't empathize with anyone it's like turning into a robot. It sucks, you can't be happy for anyone, or sad, or nothing. Which yeah, make me be able to be completely impartial, but suck when I don't know.. someone dies or something. The only things that bring me joy or sadness are linked to me.

I do spend an awful lot of time writing and in a fictional world and apparently when grouping all my special traits that I thought just made me excentric, I get an awfully close aproximation to what wikipedia tells me is Schizod personality disorder. I haven't gone to therapy in months, mainly because I was busy and well... I thought I could work out on my problems on my own. But I think I have to go again, I don't want to become a robot.

It's basically schizophrenia minus the psychotic elements like delusions or hallucinations, what I don't like is that it's been increasing in me at an alarming rate over the last past year. I'll see what the doc says, I don't wanna be right, but unfortunately for me, most of the time I am, at least when it comes to this stuff.

Shit.

Of GAD and other aflictions

You know, usually when you talk to someone it's hard for them to empathize mainly because they've never been in your shoes, or gone through anything similar to what you've gone through, which is why, many people, fall in love with others that are able to understand them better than the rest.

Maybe it is because my life is filled with quasi filmical moments that I find it so hard to relate to other people, I'm told I'm a great listener. Mainly because I've gone through so much shit and weird situations, I know I'm impartial since I'm me, but I feel like I've gone through more than a lot of people.

Relationship wise it's a no brainer, I've dated mentally unstable, cheaters, possibly drug addicts, nice normal girls, pathological liers, I've fallen in love with my best friend and I've had long distance relationships, I've done multiracial relationships too, I haven't gone out that much, but I have a pretty clear understanding of the subject. I'm also a divorce kid, I've had many people close to me die, I've had problems with family. I've traveled, I've been sick, way too much, psychologically and physically, I've been close to death twice now.

My point is, I have many issues, way too many, it's hard for me to actually bond with someone, which is why I've stopped trying, as reflected in my previous post. Also, well, my GAD has been advancing lately, and while I don't have the anxiety I had before, which is good, depression hasn't really dissipated that much.

Suicide thoughts are not new to me, I've had them on and off for some time now, though it's nothing that grave, I never really go through with any of them. But lately I don't wanna go out, I don't wanna meet with my friends, I don't really want to do anything. It's also hard for people to understand because they haven't gone through it, they just look at you like you are crazy and are really condescending. I hate condescending people, if you don't know what someone is going through then say so, don't be fucking condescending it just makes it worse.

On top of that I've had the worse insomnia lately, I can't sleep before 5 am... My anxiety has improved, yes, a lot, but the rest of it it's just taking over me faster than anything. Thankfully I have a friend that I can relate with, she's in another continent though, which sucks.

I've been thinking about a story lately, about a schizophrenic woman, it's sort of really weird and full of gore and other things, but perhaps it's a reflection of my psyche lately. I don't know... Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. The feeling that you are alone in the world and that you won't ever connect keeps roaming around my head. I don't want pity though, nor listen to fucking emo music. God, how I hate emo music, I just need to find my constant.

Where is my constant?

The meaning of life

You are born, you eat, you shit, you fuck and then you die, leaving your children to repeat the process over and over again until a meteorite kills us all and cockroaches start talking. That's life, the rest of it consists in an endless competition to see who shits more, eats more and who dies the last.

We have set up a few minigames along the way, like school, getting married, buying a house, getting a job, Christmas, porn, whatever. What do you do when these minigames are not enough though? You start writing, drawing, oversleeping, playing videogames. It's what we do.

Chemical imbalances are not rare and are part of my specific genetics, I don't know why that is important, but it's just what makes me think about these things. I've talked about the girls that have made an impact in my life, I left out one, on purpose though. Because even though I loved her and she was the most... benefitial relationship I've had, perhaps the most healthy one ever. It just... Sometimes it's not enough, sometimes maybe your chemical imbalance tells you that you can't keep doing it. It's not a decoy, it may look like, but you don't care about a decoy's feelings.

It's hard making sense, but I've reached the age I didn't want to reach. You get out of college, all your friends are either too invested with their girlfriends, or looking for love, or for sex. It's just, what if you don't want a minigame right now, what if you've had enough about relationships for a while and you just wanna enjoy a little?

When everyone is so completely obsessed over hooking up, over who is with who, who marries who. Where are the people that just want to hang out? Go to the movies, get drunk, play monopoly, the sort of stuff we did when we weren't completely absorbed by work and romantic relationships.

It is them that take the youth out of life, you never see it coming, you think it's never going to happen to you, but then one day, even if you are single, you find yourself in a suit, in an office, watching the clock tick, obsessing about relationships and life slowly going away. You have become old, you are 20 something and you already don't care about fun, just about taxes, bills, things, babies...

From now you won't even realize what hit you when suddenly you have your own mini person, pooping, puking and crying all day and all night long. It's already happening, you may be aware of it, but what are you doing about it? Chances are that by now, you've already become obsessed by what society wants you to obsess about.

If you have, then you have disappointed me. I know I have commitment issues, but maybe it's not that I don't wanna commit, maybe i just don't wanna grow up, I don't wanna be so consumed by work and marriage that I don't even fucking know how an iPod works.I don't wanna hang out with married people that only think about babies, and other couples and the most trivial shit in this planet.

I don't know who may be reading this, for all I know, no one is. But if you want your freedom and your youth as much as I do, then comfort in the thought that you are not alone.

I know what you are thinking... There are so many of them, I can't fight them off on my own, I can't simply stop hanging out with people just because they have become increasingly boring. And I will agree, they will probably catch all of us. The ones that remain will be shunned by the boring people, that think that everyone should be just as boring and miserable as they are. And then those last freedom fighters will die.

The thought that some people are able to live life and die on their own terms is endearing to me. I don't know the future, I can't say if I'll hold on enough to die how I want to die today.

Maybe I'll become a Zombie, you know, dead in life... All those family and corporate Zombies, not knowing what the fuck has happened or is happening to their lives, so fucking invested in other relationships that they can't do anything out of their own minds. Controlled by their surroundings.

I walk the streets and I see dozens of them, consumed by age. I cheer for humans, because humans die free. If I turn into a Zombie, please, cut my head off.

Bad Moon Rising

It's pretty late at night, next week I finish my major, I've got a lot of shit to do, and yet I can't stop thinking about one unrelated thing. Which sucks because well, anyone who knows me knows that when my mind is on something else I can't do much else. I'm a good multitasker as long as my mind is in blank.

But right now it's not blank, it's got so many colors that I'd make Edvard Munch proud. Since this is a recollection of my thoughts for future consult and to remind me I was young once, I guess it's okay to say what's on my mind today. To be honest, the third girl, the one I'm supposed to talk now since I've already talked about the other two left me pretty much screwed over.

This is someone that well, she was the best liar and actress I've met on my life. And she's not even a theater major, although I've gotta say, all theater majors I've ever met are crazier than a sack full of goats. But no, this girl, well, she was the third big relationship to change me for good. I guess after today that number increases to four, but I'm not sure it's alright to mix one story with the other, even if they are kind of related.

This girl, she was new, exciting, way older than me and we had so much fun, not only that, but we talked for hours on the phone, and she pretty much helped me survive a period of my life where I was feeling extremely alone. However, she was also seeing someone else, and on top of that she was married and by the end of the relationship expecting a baby. Not mine, thankfully, but if I'm being honest, she's the first girl that made me even consider have a serious relationship. I already had a plane ticket and was planning on going and living with her for a month before we broke up. To be honest I can't remember why we broke up, I think I was drunk with my friends and I told her something I shouldn't have, although in the end I guess I did myself a favor.

It's like I always say, even when you think that something is really crappy, it has a reason, it's probably saving you from something worse, or teaching you a lesson. This was exactly that, a lesson that if I let anyone near me and open up, I'm gonna end up hurt, because no matter what happens love is like that, it sucks.

Also, lets face it, it's not like I'm the easiest person to get along with, and I'm eccentric enough to know that at least in a traditionalist society like the one I'm living currently I'll hardly find someone good enough for me, which is one of the reasons I wanna go so badly. I suppose that's the bad thing of knowing statistics, when you start calculating the odds it doesn't really give much hope.

Leaving pregnant, still married, cheating bitch aside, a couple of days ago, I confessed my love for this girl I know, and she said she felt it as well, unfortunately she's not even in the same continent as me, and even though we talk everyday, and we are like really good for each other, in fact she made me have faith that maybe all hopes weren't lost you know? That maybe all my relationships weren't meant to suck and maybe I had just had bad luck with them. But well dunno, I knew we both weren't that alright with distance, me because well last time I tried the long distance thing I ended up with crazy still married pregnant woman. But still, dunno, I had hope that maybe somehow we could make it work, after all, we both felt it and all, but well, things apparently are more complicated and love isn't enough. It happens I guess, it fucking sucks though because I'm still crazy about her, I don't think I'll ever stop being, if I read this in twenty years I bet remembering her will bring a smile to my face.

And even though she returned my faith in love, and made me feel like I don't have to be in a relationship just to kill loneliness or just because it's comfortable, I still feel like giving up on relationships altogether again. At least not also in love like last time, but maybe I'm simply not meant to meet someone that makes me happy and that I make her happy as well. I guess some people just don't have that much luck.

Regardless of what will happen to me, I know that at least for this week I'm screwed, I've got so much to do and I really don't see how it's gonna get done with the mental state I find myself in right now. It's not like I'm sad, or mad, or depressed, although maybe that's due to the antidepressants I am taking now... but I just feel like... giving up. Just raising my hands and wave that white flag like a bitch.

Today, I just wanna go to sleep and wake up next month. Because not only do school ends this week, but all my family and friends come for graduation in two weeks, and having all my family asking me why I look like a living dead is not going to be fun to answer. Also, my ex-girlfriend is sitting with my mom's family... I just realized that... Fuck, I'm screwed.

My mom's family... well, I could write another 2000 words post on them and how their criticism has affected me since I was little, but I don't think I have the emotional will to remember all the times I've disappointed them. Whatever I do isn't enough, if I have a girlfriend she's not good enough for me, if I don't have a girlfriend I will die alone, if I socialize they don't like something I say, if I don't socialize they tell me I'm weird for staying stuck to the computer, if I have my hair long I should cut it, if I cut it then it's too short, if I choose to major in something I love like psychology then I'm gonna die of hunger. And it's like this every time... I just set myself up to disappoint everyone anytime I see them. So hopefully they won't criticize too harshly my ex. Or the girl I used to date that is sitting next to my ex.... I don't think I have planned the whole graduation thing well.

Honestly I invited a whole bunch of people, thinking only a handful would accept, but everyone accepted, so I'm gonna go crazy that day. But well, at least I'm medicated, I can just take extra medication to keep me from mass murdering the entire event.

In conclusion, love sucks, relationships suck, I suck at planning and I wished clones existed and I could use one for the next two weeks.