Getting published

So, my first story to get published. It's a good feeling, I'm not totally lazy and a failure at everything and this sort of proves it, I still have to finish a novel though, the first one is still on the making, I just haven't had time to work on it lately, its been hectic on my part, for being unemployed I sure do have a lot of workish things to do, it's insane.

I'll finish it, I started redoing it when I didn't feel like it was up to my standards and I've been happy with the chapters I've written so far, some of my best stuff I think. I've been practicing on my writing skills and story telling for three years though, so I'm glad it's paying off.

The story itself got published just in some libraries nationwide, but hey, I am not picky right now, when the apocalypse comes there will be some knowledge for me to pass down to whoever is left by the zombies to read it. And I plan to increase that contribution to the global knowledge, somehow, even if I have to publish this never finishing story myself, which thanks to the internet might not be that difficult if it comes to it.

So another prize for my endless award record, which really doesn't do much since it's not like they give you a job based on how many awards you have, or you can't exchange them for happiness or anything, so at the end of the day they just prove they just mean you are good at something that most people don't give a shit about.

Pills, Pills, Pills.

I think I may just have justified the entire existence of a science department in everywhere I know. The depression pills upgraded version are working better than the last ones, but the real magical voodoo pill is the sleeping pill which has effectively regulated my sleeping schedule in like a week. I can't remember the last time I slept like this for this long but it's gooooooooooooooooooooood, actually there are not enough o's in this world to express just how good is my sleeping at the moment.

Look at me it's 12:30 and my eyes are closing and asking me to go to bed. Oh yes, I've effectively made Morpheus my bitch, and not the Matrix one, the Sleep God. It's like unicorns farting rainbows but in my head, I still feel kind of weird but I am not sleeping at 6 am everyday anymore.

Lalalalalalala, happiness.

Regular people take sleeping for granted, it's one of the most under rated things since m&m's. I shit you not.

Relapse

It's been about a month since I relapsed, happiness didn't last long about a week or two, it's April now, I feel like time is running out, however the relapse came bearing symptoms it seems cause even though I had only had auditory hallucinations and minor ones at that, a week ago I had a strong visual one, I was at the stadium with a friend and I hallucinated a goal, the cheering and the score and everything, it was fucking weird, I came out thinking the game had ended one way when it had ended another.

The doc says it's natural, though I think he's being optimistic, so, symptoms get worse and I go worse along with them, I'm not liking it, it's like losing a part of myself inside myself, which is completely absurd. Anyway, I've been learning about html coding for websites lately, as well as making graphics for a writing site, ideas keep on coming and going like crazy, you know what my mind is like, a hive of random aleatory thoughts residing and making me not sleep.

I go from one thing to the next in a heart beat, I can't find a purpose, I just feel like I'm drifting away. I need to find a purpose otherwise I'm afraid the relapse could be permanent. I need to find a constant to keeping me sane and depression free, where is that constant? I used to be great at math, not so much anymore, but I remember being able to solve almost any equation, I wish it were that simple.

Purpose in the form of a mathematical equation, it would have only one or several correct answers. I don't even know what sort of result I'm searching for, a number, a place, a person, it could be anything. Then there's always the chance of the answer to my purpose equation being an imaginary number in order to solve for a real problem, which would of course mean that I'm screwed.

There's a song that I like, it's called the trick to life, it says that the trick to life is to not get too attached to it. Maybe it is right, I don't know, I only know there's something wrong with me and I need to find a way to fix it before it's done too much damage.

Nude Anne Hathaway

Not really, though that involves some of thinking for today's entry. It's been one week and three days since I've had depression free days, this is the  first time I've been out of it since October, therapy had something to do, though I feel like it's gonna go eerie some time soon.

Either way, after seeing that love, drugs and other addictions movie I came to realize something, a reason about maybe why it's hard for me to fall in love as of... well as of lately and ever. I can seem to be able to stop doing whatever other people consider an addiction rather easily, I just stop and I think the same happens with Love, other people they avoid certain actions and feelings because the addiction tells them they need someone, or affection at least. Not me, I don't really need it, it's good for a while, but whenever something I don't like happens I can stop it any time, it's rather complicated I guess but I don't know I feel like there's something to this.

In other news my sleeping pattern has been more than messed up lately, I haven't been able to sleep before 5 am, the doc says it's because I think too much, which to be honest is one of the reasons I keep blogging all I am thinking at the moment, I just write everything here in hopes it doesn't keep me up at night, though it doesn't seem enough. At least I now exactly why I can't fall asleep with strong anti-insomnia pills but I can with booze. Which is good.

Anyway, like always, not sleeping well has been making my head feel a little crowded today, which sucks because it doesn't let me think straight, nor write and I've been in a good mood for writing lately. This crowded feeling is the best I can do to describe the sensation, it just feels like Wall street living in my head, though not exactly pain per se, just a sensation.

And before I go, someone in the house has something making a repetitive noise that if it doesn't stop it's gonna find it's way up someone's ass. Not in the fun way either.

Comeback

It's been 7 months since I've started sinking, it's never been so long before. It's gone to a point where I can't really remember what it felt to not be in the shithole anymore. I can remember happiness I can remember the top hits, I just can't remember how they felt, it's all faces and sounds.

Happiness is more of a concept rather than an emotion as of late, and well after watching a movie today I realized I need to do something, get out of here, start something I like and meet someone new, make a great comeback. The only problem is that I can't, I find myself unable to get out of here, there have been some girls I've been interested in just asking out and I just, don't find it worth it anymore.

Too much trouble for a relationship that is going to end badly anyway, the chances of finding someone that tolerates me without an unhealthy obsession to just agree to everything I say without a common sense are as low as the chances of finding true randomness in Newtonian physics.

I don't have a passion anymore. I need to find the thing that gets me my life back, unfortunately, I don't know how to do that, it's like a horcrux that can't be found, you don't know what it's gonna be, or where it is, or even how you are going to get it, you just know that you need to get to it to be able to finish the story.

Seven months, it feels like fucking ever.What's gonna happen? A year ago I wouldn't have pictured this, on a fucking pill diet, with the complete psychological history chart I have on my family now. All the lying, the acting, and I don't even feel bad about it. I manipulate everyone around me, people that care about me, and I don't even feel bad about it, I'm more than broken, I'm rotten. Let's hope I don't rot everything else around me.

Love's not a competition, but I don't care either way

My teenage years were branded by what I used to call my curses, to be honest maybe they were just creepy and evil figments of my imagination. Probably, lately I've been questioning most of the things I used to believe in, it's like trying to finish a 12,000 piece puzzle except it's not 3d and you've been thinking it's 3d for most of the time and you just realized your mistake.

I'm rambling, though if you are any used to reading me you'd know by now that these collection of random and sometimes incoherent thoughts are not meant to make any sense. They are meant to serve as a guide to my past and also to my future.

Anyway, when I was I don't know, 12 maybe, Valentine's day was a big deal for me. I was a promiscuous kid, I started dating at age 11, and other stuff pretty early on too. I guess that's what I get for always hanging out with people from 1 to 3 years older than me, when I was 11 all my friends were 13 some even 14. So naturally when I was 13 they were 15 or 16 and well everyone knows what 16 year old kids do and don't do. But anyway more details on my promiscuity can be found through out all this mess of a blog, that's not what matters today.

So yeah, Valentine's, the one day of the year where everyone reminds you of your singleness, either that or they scam you into spending a lot of money. I haven't had many relationships though enough so that you need both hands to count them, and for some reason none of them had ever synchronized with Valentine's dinner except the last one. So despite all previous experiences I knew my relationships wouldn't last to february, but this last one started in february and I've learned to act enough to maintain a relationship at least past the two month mark. My problem being that I'm bored in relationships, when the I becomes we, you have to compromise half of your personality, and I've never been that good at that. My healthiest relationship was with a girl that used to say yes to everything I wanted, I broke it up when she started wanting me to say yes as well. Hey whatever, I know I'm selfish, I don't care.

The point is that I can rewind to all my relationships and know when I felt it coming, that moment where I felt like losing the I. I call it being a symbiote, you remember Venom from Spiderman? We are venom, we like to eat your brains, we love pain. God, I don't wanna be a we, I'm very happy being an I.

What I was going with this is that my curse was being alone for valentine's except that time with Heather, to be honest that was a long distance thing and it taught me not to be a moron, it also taught me that it doesn't matter if you are 11 or 20 being lied to and cheated stings like a bitch.

So last Valentine's I was actually happy, one of my curses had broken. I wasn't alone in Valentine's, I wasn't going to die without having a Valentine's day the proper way. This isn't an irrational fear by the way, I've always known I'll die young, I don't know how, or why, or when. Most likely due to my diet. But anyway, what I learned about that Valentine's day is that everyone wants to become a Symbiote. It's sad really, "Who is he?" "Oh he's her boyfriend". How sad is this? They have successfully removed your individualization, not to mention, automatically you have new friends and new family members, which can be good. But let's face it, I have to try real hard to give a crap about my own family and friends, so a mask begins, the mask that likes everyone of her friends, that enjoys stupid musicals, that likes fancy dinners and dressing properly, that doesn't watch sports. I hate that guy, not that he's whipped, he wouldn't answer orders or fake liking stuff just because, but he puts up a face of a champ and acts just to keep that feeling of closeness to the other person.

What I mean with this is that this was my first Valentine's after the break up and I didn't feel a thing, growing up I felt the need to be like everyone else, to get that experience, you know the movie one. After having it, I'm glad I'm single, I didn't think for one second about Valentine's nor about a girl actually. It felt good, sometimes turning into a robot doesn't feel all that bad you know? Sure, you slowly lose your ability to feel stuff, but it's not that bad, at least this way you know that if you screw up it's just your life that you fuck up. There's no one there to get mad or tell you off.

The second curse? Well that was just running into an old girlfriend that I hate each Halloween, talk about a witch huh? Thankfully that curse broke when I went to Texas for a year. Now I'm not cursed anymore, which is always a nice thing.

I'm not saying that Love is all that bad, it's good when you have it, I'm just saying that sometimes I don't think I'm the kind of guy that can care for others as much as he cares about himself. And I won't end up like my parents, there's no point.

Also, I learned something new that has me thinking about lots of things again, I'll have to tell the docs when I see them. Just when you think the only thing you have to worry about is turning into a fucking Black Swan, it turns out you also need to watch out to not turn into Veronika. There's a saying that states that things always turn worse before they turn better, so I should have seen this coming.

Darkness

I started this blog, not for anyone to read, although if someone does I don't really care, it was supposed to be a way to write down memories as I start forgetting parts of my past. Then it became a good place to vent about the things in my life that make it not work for me at the moment. Now though, it feels as if somehow I'm documenting the loss of what little mental sanity I had.

Everyone does stuff they shouldn't, but the more I look back the more I realize how messed up I am, I don't regret anything, well maybe a couple of things but for the most part even though I know I've done some pretty bad things I can live with it. It's not like I've killed anyone, although I've met people that have killed and somehow it just made me lose what little respect I had left in religion.

I've been going to therapy, I've actually opened up like I've never before and well, it's not working like I thought it would. So far all I've proven is that I'm slowly losing my interest in society, that I feel like I'm better than other people, not in the sense that I'm smarter, or stronger nor anything like that, only that I can see life differently, people are so... caged by their reality that they fail to see what really matters.

I've been doing some thinking into my past, it started at age, I don't know, probably 13. The first time I dreamed about something and then saw it happen. It happened some times, once at school before I met a girl, once in a party with people I never knew, at the beach looking at a street sign, and some other times. I used to think maybe there was a connection with the future, it started my interest in both physics and parapsychology.

The good thing about the internet is that if a group of different people with strange beliefs wants to, they can meet online and form a community. That's the same with psionics, though this term may be weird for anyone not in the field. It's sort of like mind powers. I really thought I had them, for more than two years. Eventually though, I started seeing people there for who they were, people like me wanting to believe too much they were special. Some really believed it, I'm sure of it, thinking back to that time it was like the paradise of delusions. I got tired, mostly because I truly believed I had it, and because the rest of them were just... Unbelievably delusional.

I still think sometimes that I have something going on, I remember a time I heard something that no one else heard and it lead to us avoiding a terrible crash, or my ability to score high in standardized tests despite not knowing the answers. Though I don't know, I've been reading enough about psychology lately that perhaps it's all really in my head, which ain't good considering the time that has passed.

I'm probably getting ideas into my head, I'm overthinking everything, I haven't really slept that well lately, and I just feel like I'm sinking. I feel as if I'm on a ship, everyone else around me died from lack of supplies, there's a storm, I don't have a compass, it's night and I have to feed on the others to survive. I wished that was an overstatement.

Whatever, I'll keep on working on therapy and see what comes up, I'll try not to think about delusions, hallucinations, and one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Most of the times when you expect something horrible it's not as bad as you think right?

I should try sleeping, and distract myself with something other than videogames, I've tried to pause my life, I don't feel ready to go at it, not at this state anyway, but it doesn't really wait for anyone. I just wished I had superpowers sometimes, make everything stop.

I don't wanna sink, but I'm not really fighting the storm, nor is there any life savers around me that I can see. The worse is that everyone around me is just so concerned and I can see the pity in their faces. I guess it's good though, I don't know where I would be right now if I didn't have people around watching over so I don't do anything stupid, I would probably be homeless and a drunk or something of the sorts.

Also, watching Black Swan at this point in my life probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had.

Follow Jesus

So, I got told today in the street, "Follow Jesus", and my mind started laughing. Seriously, that is really poorly phrased, I mean, follow him where? He is dead, the only way I could follow him now is by shooting my brains out and quite honestly I doubt I would go to heaven if there is such thing.

I've always disliked people pushing beliefs down other people's throats, I respect every religion and every train of thought, but that doesn't mean I want people to fucking attack me with doctrines and other stuff. I am way too old for this shit.

If you are one of those people that never ask why and that just follow what others tell you to do, then I guess it's alright, but for people with free thinking it's something that will never be right. I should start a campaign, in favour of everyone shutting their pie holes and trying to modify what other people believe in.

The, I don't give a shit campaign. "Hey, vote for this guy" "Hey, become Jewish" "Hey, come to a tea party", you know what, no, fuck you. Let me be my own person, stop trying to manipulate me to be who you think I should be. The only person allowed to decide what I should think is me.

And this is my random thought of the day.

Catch 22

If I think I am delusioned, but I'm not, then I am delusioned, but I wouldn't be delusioned because my delusion would be true.

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Art versus life

So, as I've become more cynical and less aware of social norms. Dark humor has been increasingly entering my life, it's just, something I do to cope with the fact that I feel like something is deteriorating in me, I use humor to shadow the fact that I can't really empathize with people.

Yesterday I was out of line, apparently, and it got me wondering the difference between artistic genius and mentally disease people, I could find none, many artists have been like this. As long as you make a book, painting, movie or song about the dark themes you have inside, people consider you great they even give you awards. But if you simply talk about it you get told to go to therapy.

Art, to me, is the possibility to express yourself without people judging you of insane.

I went to the psychologist today, I may have schizoid personality disorder, it's still diagnosing, but well. I don't know, knowing that I may only be some hallucinations away from being schizophrenic have me a bit disturbed at the moment.

People are weirded out by me at the moment, I see it every time I go out, I see it with my family, they look at me like I'm some sort of dangerous psychopath ready to stab them with a kitchen knife, or as if I could just down a bottle of pills and get an OD any time. That's the worse part, I don't really care about their feelings, but I am not insane and it's the looks that I hate.

Who knows, I could just write what I feel and make a character feel that and people would think I'm creative rather than insane. Seriously, society has a lot of issues. If you are a soldier and kill someone innocent during war, you are a hero, if you kill someone guilty during peace, you get the chair. I hate double standards, if what I feel is part of a character's psyche, or it's a song, then I'm awesome, if I joke about it during a conversation I'm crazy.

It's bullshit.

God, I feel like a psychology student could make their thesis about this blog. It's a good way to vent though, people don't usually understand when you tell them this, they only freak out, they don't know better. They can't tell the difference from insane to genius. Maybe there's none, maybe to be a genius you have to be insane.