It's pretty late at night, next week I finish my major, I've got a lot of shit to do, and yet I can't stop thinking about one unrelated thing. Which sucks because well, anyone who knows me knows that when my mind is on something else I can't do much else. I'm a good multitasker as long as my mind is in blank.
But right now it's not blank, it's got so many colors that I'd make Edvard Munch proud. Since this is a recollection of my thoughts for future consult and to remind me I was young once, I guess it's okay to say what's on my mind today. To be honest, the third girl, the one I'm supposed to talk now since I've already talked about the other two left me pretty much screwed over.
This is someone that well, she was the best liar and actress I've met on my life. And she's not even a theater major, although I've gotta say, all theater majors I've ever met are crazier than a sack full of goats. But no, this girl, well, she was the third big relationship to change me for good. I guess after today that number increases to four, but I'm not sure it's alright to mix one story with the other, even if they are kind of related.
This girl, she was new, exciting, way older than me and we had so much fun, not only that, but we talked for hours on the phone, and she pretty much helped me survive a period of my life where I was feeling extremely alone. However, she was also seeing someone else, and on top of that she was married and by the end of the relationship expecting a baby. Not mine, thankfully, but if I'm being honest, she's the first girl that made me even consider have a serious relationship. I already had a plane ticket and was planning on going and living with her for a month before we broke up. To be honest I can't remember why we broke up, I think I was drunk with my friends and I told her something I shouldn't have, although in the end I guess I did myself a favor.
It's like I always say, even when you think that something is really crappy, it has a reason, it's probably saving you from something worse, or teaching you a lesson. This was exactly that, a lesson that if I let anyone near me and open up, I'm gonna end up hurt, because no matter what happens love is like that, it sucks.
Also, lets face it, it's not like I'm the easiest person to get along with, and I'm eccentric enough to know that at least in a traditionalist society like the one I'm living currently I'll hardly find someone good enough for me, which is one of the reasons I wanna go so badly. I suppose that's the bad thing of knowing statistics, when you start calculating the odds it doesn't really give much hope.
Leaving pregnant, still married, cheating bitch aside, a couple of days ago, I confessed my love for this girl I know, and she said she felt it as well, unfortunately she's not even in the same continent as me, and even though we talk everyday, and we are like really good for each other, in fact she made me have faith that maybe all hopes weren't lost you know? That maybe all my relationships weren't meant to suck and maybe I had just had bad luck with them. But well dunno, I knew we both weren't that alright with distance, me because well last time I tried the long distance thing I ended up with crazy still married pregnant woman. But still, dunno, I had hope that maybe somehow we could make it work, after all, we both felt it and all, but well, things apparently are more complicated and love isn't enough. It happens I guess, it fucking sucks though because I'm still crazy about her, I don't think I'll ever stop being, if I read this in twenty years I bet remembering her will bring a smile to my face.
And even though she returned my faith in love, and made me feel like I don't have to be in a relationship just to kill loneliness or just because it's comfortable, I still feel like giving up on relationships altogether again. At least not also in love like last time, but maybe I'm simply not meant to meet someone that makes me happy and that I make her happy as well. I guess some people just don't have that much luck.
Regardless of what will happen to me, I know that at least for this week I'm screwed, I've got so much to do and I really don't see how it's gonna get done with the mental state I find myself in right now. It's not like I'm sad, or mad, or depressed, although maybe that's due to the antidepressants I am taking now... but I just feel like... giving up. Just raising my hands and wave that white flag like a bitch.
Today, I just wanna go to sleep and wake up next month. Because not only do school ends this week, but all my family and friends come for graduation in two weeks, and having all my family asking me why I look like a living dead is not going to be fun to answer. Also, my ex-girlfriend is sitting with my mom's family... I just realized that... Fuck, I'm screwed.
My mom's family... well, I could write another 2000 words post on them and how their criticism has affected me since I was little, but I don't think I have the emotional will to remember all the times I've disappointed them. Whatever I do isn't enough, if I have a girlfriend she's not good enough for me, if I don't have a girlfriend I will die alone, if I socialize they don't like something I say, if I don't socialize they tell me I'm weird for staying stuck to the computer, if I have my hair long I should cut it, if I cut it then it's too short, if I choose to major in something I love like psychology then I'm gonna die of hunger. And it's like this every time... I just set myself up to disappoint everyone anytime I see them. So hopefully they won't criticize too harshly my ex. Or the girl I used to date that is sitting next to my ex.... I don't think I have planned the whole graduation thing well.
Honestly I invited a whole bunch of people, thinking only a handful would accept, but everyone accepted, so I'm gonna go crazy that day. But well, at least I'm medicated, I can just take extra medication to keep me from mass murdering the entire event.
In conclusion, love sucks, relationships suck, I suck at planning and I wished clones existed and I could use one for the next two weeks.