domingo, 24 de julio de 2011

Not as smart as I think I am

How to know if you have no standards:

1. You go to the liquor cabinet

2. You stare at this reaaaaally bad tequila bottle and say to yourself: "this tequila looks awful, I wonder just how awful it is"

3. Then you drink half the bottle while saying: "Yes, this tequila is definitely the worse tequila I've ever tasted, I wonder if it gets better as I get more drunk"

4. The answer is, no, it doesn't

viernes, 15 de julio de 2011

Instant Gratification

I think one of the wrong things with our generation is all the prizes and awards everyone hands out, I'll admit I may have been above average in some things while growing up, but getting awards only does more harm in the end. Everyone congratulates you for everything that the system awards for, which increases each year, more and more prizes, awards, titles, everyone is able to excel at something, no matter how bizarre and useless it is.

Now with Facebook, Twitter and the web, everyone expects everyone else to congratulate you on whatever thing you did online today, and everyone else does so, because they expect that in return you will congratulate them for whatever it is they will do next. I think the only thing this does is make us think we are better than we really are, and make us conformist and prideful and overall full of shit. I can honestly say that I don't really care about all the awards I've received, at the end of day they are a piece of paper and have no influence in my skills or my overall happiness.

I see however other people of my generation obsessing over getting recognized for their work, or for whatever it is they do. I don't know, I do what I do not to be recognized, just because I like to do it and I want to do it. It's personal for me, when I write, or when I draw it's for me, not to get a pat on the back and a cookie.

I think instant gratification is something that corrupts people because most people are not taught how to deal with it, they are just taught that they are better than they really are which is not good for them in the long run, it just makes it harder for everyone as they grow up to find something that makes you feel as good about yourself as you felt in your youth and leads to an increase of unhappiness, and well you know what? I think that the people that obsess over it get what they deserve at the end of the day.

lunes, 11 de julio de 2011

What crawls into bed (short story)

Can't close my eyes. If I close them I don't know what will happen, I've never believed in monsters, robots or anything coming out of the collective unconscious, I guess I'm too smart to believe in those sort of things. Being smart however sometimes doesn't leave anything good behind, it takes a lot more to make someone happy, or to bring them peace of mind.

I remember my great grandma, no one ever talked about it, but I knew, I could tell because whether I like it or not I was the same as her. There are many terms, I used to think the old woman was just crazy, she mistook people, places and was always completely extroverted in a way that made people notice her. Perhaps she was crazy, but for some reason even if I couldn't see a method to her ways, she could understand things better than most. I don't know if she was so smart that no one could understand how she seemed to know everything or if she was just delusional, but she even predicted her own death.

I do believe in death, and somehow, she was able to take a peak in the list. That has to count for something, even if I doubt she could tell I was her great grandson most of the time. She lived in her own world created from her mind, and I used to think that was her choice, she simply grew bored of reality and made her own. I'm not so sure anymore.

I can't close my eyes. I hear them crawling, everything, every muscle moving, every sound I shouldn't hear. I can see them in the dark, approaching, moving, lurking. Not only that, but I know what happens when you are not aware, when you are defenseless. When you are outside and not watching your back.

I remember walking into a cemetery to visit my grandma, I didn't even knew her, so when everyone expected me to feel sorry for her death I didn't know how to react. Hell, now years later, my grandpa's second wife died, I did know her and I still couldn't feel the same grief that everyone else seemed to ask of me. I've never been good at dealing with death, I am aware of it, I know it's after all of us, I guess I will just know when it's my time. The problem is, there are way worse things than death. So I'm at this cemetery, I can't feel grief but my childish mind is afraid of the dead. My mom, she looks at me and tells me. "Son, it's not the dead you need to be afraid of, it's the living"

I think that's the day I stopped getting scared of horror movies, I stopped having nightmares about monsters coming out for me, I saw monsters for what they were, but it also triggered something else. That constant feeling of being watched, everywhere, all the time. Your mind playing tricks, the shadows moving in the dark, the sounds of things that are not there, haunting me.

Bugs, crawling up my bed, strangers following me home. I can see them all the time, hear them, never letting go. I start to live in my imagination, because if you are the only one that can hear or see something, does that mean it doesn't exist? If something doesn't exist how can it have an effect on someone? Isn't that how monsters came to be in the first place? They say that the greatest minds are usually the most cursed ones as well. Most geniuses would be deemed insane by any psychologist.

I just know that closing my eyes means they win, they get me in my dreams, and it's way worse than anything they can do to me while awake. My consciousness protects me of the perils of my mind, what happens at night? Where no one can hear you scream. It's hell. But my eyes can't hold on for longer, and I can already feel the presences around me, they know I'm about to let go. And I do.

Writing spree

I don't know why I like to write in english even though my native language is spanish, I think it's just that it sounds better coming out of my mouth, it's more ambiguous, lets a writer add more mystery to a story, no gender specific multiple meaning for words and a lot more word play than other languages.

Perhaps considering myself a writer would be arrogant of myself, I don't know. I know I can't really see myself doing something other than writing for too long, in the end everything bores me, but this, I can hardly get bored. I've never been that good at speaking, I stutter when I'm too nervous and I speak too quickly. I remember when I was 13 I was almost forced into a public speaking competition, that was embarrassing. I can't memorize full speeches or songs for that matter, I don't know why I can't say something word to word and if I try I fuck up trying to construct everything in my mind.

Same goes for singing, I've had to sing for people few times in my life, one in a stage it was a rap about environment, yes, it was that bad. It was for school, the second time it was also for school, but I could choose a song and I chose Hemorrhage by Fuel and sang a Capella.

To understand my fear of public singing, my family and friends aren't that supportive, I'm not that bad for karaoke night or rock band, but they make it seem as if puppies die when I try to sing a tune. So I closed my eyes and sang for everyone, with my eyes closed, my classmates liked it, said I was pretty good. Either way, I fucked up the lyrics.

When writing I am encouraged to just establish what is on my mind, and I don't have the pressure of speaking, needless to say, I'm way better at it. When I write I can correct myself before anyone notices, I can add things wherever I want regardless of how advanced I am at it. And some days I have the inspiration of a thousand goddesses and can write for long periods of time.

I shall try to make it into the writing world, probably not in spanish, everything I write in it sounds fake and forced. I love the language, I love my country, I just can't express myself the way I'd like to with it. Also, i remodeled the blog to make it look less paranoid schizophrenic without any art skills, it was good for a while, but I needed something fresh. Like this.

Peace, and keep happy.