lunes, 31 de enero de 2011

Catch 22

If I think I am delusioned, but I'm not, then I am delusioned, but I wouldn't be delusioned because my delusion would be true.
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Art versus life

So, as I've become more cynical and less aware of social norms. Dark humor has been increasingly entering my life, it's just, something I do to cope with the fact that I feel like something is deteriorating in me, I use humor to shadow the fact that I can't really empathize with people.

Yesterday I was out of line, apparently, and it got me wondering the difference between artistic genius and mentally disease people, I could find none, many artists have been like this. As long as you make a book, painting, movie or song about the dark themes you have inside, people consider you great they even give you awards. But if you simply talk about it you get told to go to therapy.

Art, to me, is the possibility to express yourself without people judging you of insane.

I went to the psychologist today, I may have schizoid personality disorder, it's still diagnosing, but well. I don't know, knowing that I may only be some hallucinations away from being schizophrenic have me a bit disturbed at the moment.

People are weirded out by me at the moment, I see it every time I go out, I see it with my family, they look at me like I'm some sort of dangerous psychopath ready to stab them with a kitchen knife, or as if I could just down a bottle of pills and get an OD any time. That's the worse part, I don't really care about their feelings, but I am not insane and it's the looks that I hate.

Who knows, I could just write what I feel and make a character feel that and people would think I'm creative rather than insane. Seriously, society has a lot of issues. If you are a soldier and kill someone innocent during war, you are a hero, if you kill someone guilty during peace, you get the chair. I hate double standards, if what I feel is part of a character's psyche, or it's a song, then I'm awesome, if I joke about it during a conversation I'm crazy.

It's bullshit.

God, I feel like a psychology student could make their thesis about this blog. It's a good way to vent though, people don't usually understand when you tell them this, they only freak out, they don't know better. They can't tell the difference from insane to genius. Maybe there's none, maybe to be a genius you have to be insane.

domingo, 30 de enero de 2011

Identifying problems

I'm not by any means a psychologist, I am though, very good at identifying problems the roots and everything. That's how I got diagnosed GAD, I noticed the symptoms and went to the Psych unit. Which by the way is near pediatrics and made giggle at  the ironies of life. Though dark humor has gotten me enough trouble today so I probably have to stop it in social situations.

Now however, my anxiety has stopped the panic attacks as well, it's good, I've been free of it for months, but the depression wasn't going away, I started looking into it. It wasn't depression so much as not wanting to go out with my friends, or meet new people or do anything really, except when drunk. Which may be why I like it, I am not an alcoholic but I could certainly go down that path if I'm not careful. I thought it was just depression, until I started noticing that something else happening with me lately could also be a symptom.

I'm becoming a cold bitch, and I mean that in the worse possible way, I am not only cynical, but I don't care and can't empathize with anyone it's like turning into a robot. It sucks, you can't be happy for anyone, or sad, or nothing. Which yeah, make me be able to be completely impartial, but suck when I don't know.. someone dies or something. The only things that bring me joy or sadness are linked to me.

I do spend an awful lot of time writing and in a fictional world and apparently when grouping all my special traits that I thought just made me excentric, I get an awfully close aproximation to what wikipedia tells me is Schizod personality disorder. I haven't gone to therapy in months, mainly because I was busy and well... I thought I could work out on my problems on my own. But I think I have to go again, I don't want to become a robot.

It's basically schizophrenia minus the psychotic elements like delusions or hallucinations, what I don't like is that it's been increasing in me at an alarming rate over the last past year. I'll see what the doc says, I don't wanna be right, but unfortunately for me, most of the time I am, at least when it comes to this stuff.


martes, 25 de enero de 2011

Of GAD and other aflictions

You know, usually when you talk to someone it's hard for them to empathize mainly because they've never been in your shoes, or gone through anything similar to what you've gone through, which is why, many people, fall in love with others that are able to understand them better than the rest.

Maybe it is because my life is filled with quasi filmical moments that I find it so hard to relate to other people, I'm told I'm a great listener. Mainly because I've gone through so much shit and weird situations, I know I'm impartial since I'm me, but I feel like I've gone through more than a lot of people.

Relationship wise it's a no brainer, I've dated mentally unstable, cheaters, possibly drug addicts, nice normal girls, pathological liers, I've fallen in love with my best friend and I've had long distance relationships, I've done multiracial relationships too, I haven't gone out that much, but I have a pretty clear understanding of the subject. I'm also a divorce kid, I've had many people close to me die, I've had problems with family. I've traveled, I've been sick, way too much, psychologically and physically, I've been close to death twice now.

My point is, I have many issues, way too many, it's hard for me to actually bond with someone, which is why I've stopped trying, as reflected in my previous post. Also, well, my GAD has been advancing lately, and while I don't have the anxiety I had before, which is good, depression hasn't really dissipated that much.

Suicide thoughts are not new to me, I've had them on and off for some time now, though it's nothing that grave, I never really go through with any of them. But lately I don't wanna go out, I don't wanna meet with my friends, I don't really want to do anything. It's also hard for people to understand because they haven't gone through it, they just look at you like you are crazy and are really condescending. I hate condescending people, if you don't know what someone is going through then say so, don't be fucking condescending it just makes it worse.

On top of that I've had the worse insomnia lately, I can't sleep before 5 am... My anxiety has improved, yes, a lot, but the rest of it it's just taking over me faster than anything. Thankfully I have a friend that I can relate with, she's in another continent though, which sucks.

I've been thinking about a story lately, about a schizophrenic woman, it's sort of really weird and full of gore and other things, but perhaps it's a reflection of my psyche lately. I don't know... Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. The feeling that you are alone in the world and that you won't ever connect keeps roaming around my head. I don't want pity though, nor listen to fucking emo music. God, how I hate emo music, I just need to find my constant.

Where is my constant?

lunes, 24 de enero de 2011

The meaning of life

You are born, you eat, you shit, you fuck and then you die, leaving your children to repeat the process over and over again until a meteorite kills us all and cockroaches start talking. That's life, the rest of it consists in an endless competition to see who shits more, eats more and who dies the last.

We have set up a few minigames along the way, like school, getting married, buying a house, getting a job, Christmas, porn, whatever. What do you do when these minigames are not enough though? You start writing, drawing, oversleeping, playing videogames. It's what we do.

Chemical imbalances are not rare and are part of my specific genetics, I don't know why that is important, but it's just what makes me think about these things. I've talked about the girls that have made an impact in my life, I left out one, on purpose though. Because even though I loved her and she was the most... benefitial relationship I've had, perhaps the most healthy one ever. It just... Sometimes it's not enough, sometimes maybe your chemical imbalance tells you that you can't keep doing it. It's not a decoy, it may look like, but you don't care about a decoy's feelings.

It's hard making sense, but I've reached the age I didn't want to reach. You get out of college, all your friends are either too invested with their girlfriends, or looking for love, or for sex. It's just, what if you don't want a minigame right now, what if you've had enough about relationships for a while and you just wanna enjoy a little?

When everyone is so completely obsessed over hooking up, over who is with who, who marries who. Where are the people that just want to hang out? Go to the movies, get drunk, play monopoly, the sort of stuff we did when we weren't completely absorbed by work and romantic relationships.

It is them that take the youth out of life, you never see it coming, you think it's never going to happen to you, but then one day, even if you are single, you find yourself in a suit, in an office, watching the clock tick, obsessing about relationships and life slowly going away. You have become old, you are 20 something and you already don't care about fun, just about taxes, bills, things, babies...

From now you won't even realize what hit you when suddenly you have your own mini person, pooping, puking and crying all day and all night long. It's already happening, you may be aware of it, but what are you doing about it? Chances are that by now, you've already become obsessed by what society wants you to obsess about.

If you have, then you have disappointed me. I know I have commitment issues, but maybe it's not that I don't wanna commit, maybe i just don't wanna grow up, I don't wanna be so consumed by work and marriage that I don't even fucking know how an iPod works.I don't wanna hang out with married people that only think about babies, and other couples and the most trivial shit in this planet.

I don't know who may be reading this, for all I know, no one is. But if you want your freedom and your youth as much as I do, then comfort in the thought that you are not alone.

I know what you are thinking... There are so many of them, I can't fight them off on my own, I can't simply stop hanging out with people just because they have become increasingly boring. And I will agree, they will probably catch all of us. The ones that remain will be shunned by the boring people, that think that everyone should be just as boring and miserable as they are. And then those last freedom fighters will die.

The thought that some people are able to live life and die on their own terms is endearing to me. I don't know the future, I can't say if I'll hold on enough to die how I want to die today.

Maybe I'll become a Zombie, you know, dead in life... All those family and corporate Zombies, not knowing what the fuck has happened or is happening to their lives, so fucking invested in other relationships that they can't do anything out of their own minds. Controlled by their surroundings.

I walk the streets and I see dozens of them, consumed by age. I cheer for humans, because humans die free. If I turn into a Zombie, please, cut my head off.