martes, 25 de enero de 2011

Of GAD and other aflictions

You know, usually when you talk to someone it's hard for them to empathize mainly because they've never been in your shoes, or gone through anything similar to what you've gone through, which is why, many people, fall in love with others that are able to understand them better than the rest.

Maybe it is because my life is filled with quasi filmical moments that I find it so hard to relate to other people, I'm told I'm a great listener. Mainly because I've gone through so much shit and weird situations, I know I'm impartial since I'm me, but I feel like I've gone through more than a lot of people.

Relationship wise it's a no brainer, I've dated mentally unstable, cheaters, possibly drug addicts, nice normal girls, pathological liers, I've fallen in love with my best friend and I've had long distance relationships, I've done multiracial relationships too, I haven't gone out that much, but I have a pretty clear understanding of the subject. I'm also a divorce kid, I've had many people close to me die, I've had problems with family. I've traveled, I've been sick, way too much, psychologically and physically, I've been close to death twice now.

My point is, I have many issues, way too many, it's hard for me to actually bond with someone, which is why I've stopped trying, as reflected in my previous post. Also, well, my GAD has been advancing lately, and while I don't have the anxiety I had before, which is good, depression hasn't really dissipated that much.

Suicide thoughts are not new to me, I've had them on and off for some time now, though it's nothing that grave, I never really go through with any of them. But lately I don't wanna go out, I don't wanna meet with my friends, I don't really want to do anything. It's also hard for people to understand because they haven't gone through it, they just look at you like you are crazy and are really condescending. I hate condescending people, if you don't know what someone is going through then say so, don't be fucking condescending it just makes it worse.

On top of that I've had the worse insomnia lately, I can't sleep before 5 am... My anxiety has improved, yes, a lot, but the rest of it it's just taking over me faster than anything. Thankfully I have a friend that I can relate with, she's in another continent though, which sucks.

I've been thinking about a story lately, about a schizophrenic woman, it's sort of really weird and full of gore and other things, but perhaps it's a reflection of my psyche lately. I don't know... Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. The feeling that you are alone in the world and that you won't ever connect keeps roaming around my head. I don't want pity though, nor listen to fucking emo music. God, how I hate emo music, I just need to find my constant.

Where is my constant?

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