So, as I've become more cynical and less aware of social norms. Dark humor has been increasingly entering my life, it's just, something I do to cope with the fact that I feel like something is deteriorating in me, I use humor to shadow the fact that I can't really empathize with people.
Yesterday I was out of line, apparently, and it got me wondering the difference between artistic genius and mentally disease people, I could find none, many artists have been like this. As long as you make a book, painting, movie or song about the dark themes you have inside, people consider you great they even give you awards. But if you simply talk about it you get told to go to therapy.
Art, to me, is the possibility to express yourself without people judging you of insane.
I went to the psychologist today, I may have schizoid personality disorder, it's still diagnosing, but well. I don't know, knowing that I may only be some hallucinations away from being schizophrenic have me a bit disturbed at the moment.
People are weirded out by me at the moment, I see it every time I go out, I see it with my family, they look at me like I'm some sort of dangerous psychopath ready to stab them with a kitchen knife, or as if I could just down a bottle of pills and get an OD any time. That's the worse part, I don't really care about their feelings, but I am not insane and it's the looks that I hate.
Who knows, I could just write what I feel and make a character feel that and people would think I'm creative rather than insane. Seriously, society has a lot of issues. If you are a soldier and kill someone innocent during war, you are a hero, if you kill someone guilty during peace, you get the chair. I hate double standards, if what I feel is part of a character's psyche, or it's a song, then I'm awesome, if I joke about it during a conversation I'm crazy.
God, I feel like a psychology student could make their thesis about this blog. It's a good way to vent though, people don't usually understand when you tell them this, they only freak out, they don't know better. They can't tell the difference from insane to genius. Maybe there's none, maybe to be a genius you have to be insane.