lunes, 27 de septiembre de 2010

The grass will be greener?

As I look through the window of my office, just having sent my resignation letter to my other bosses and letting them know that friday will be my last day, I think about what to write in these 15 minutes I have for myself before class.

Today is a day of changes, I had my psychiatrist appointment and I've been told to have yet another pill, this one is going to combat my insomnia, on top of the pills I've been taking for my GAD. So well my depression has apparently not stopped but the doc said that was common and that it should stop during the next weeks or days. So well, I can't wait to actually wanting to leave my bed, I hate chemical unbalances, they are seriously a pain in the ass.

Combined with a literature class that I hate, my teacher should be thankful I'm on meds or else I would have done something stupid in that class already. Have you ever had a teacher who doesn't admit to be wrong? I mean, sure, I am by no means an expert in literature, I do read a lot and I consider myself a knowledgeable person, in fact I have collaborative writing as a hobby of mine, so when she started talking about time and chronology in novels, well I was in my comfort zone, as a science fiction lover, I am all about time. So when she said that an example of anachronism was when a character went to the past as in Time Traveling, I knew she was wrong, since that is chronological in order for the main protagonist. So I told her than an anachronism would be a chapter where the main character is 10 years old followed by a chapter when he was 5.

Anyway, I guess that she doesn't like me that much anymore, mainly because I keep pointing out the inconsistencies in her teaching, but well, today I got more meds, the doc said we are doing progress with my psych issues and I'm slowly getting less insane. Which will be fun I guess, people always freak out when I tell them I'm taking anti-depressives, as if they expect me to jump off a bridge anytime soon. Pretty hilarious actually.

So now, I have to go to class, then to do a videogame transaction to get a Wii for the family, and I'll be going to a concert later on tonight, Carmina Burana, by some guy that danced somewhere in London. So it's supposed to be pretty good, I like some opera so I hope it will be good.

I say goodbye for now, as I feel more and more like a novel character as time passes by, I'm just expecting the climax or the plot twist sometime soon, and turn my life into either an action or a drama, so well, time will tell, personally, I like explosions.

sábado, 25 de septiembre de 2010

The list

So I watched this movie today, it was about a girl, on anti depressives, nothing wrong with her life, pretty successful as far as society says and she tries to kill herself. She doesn't succeed and well, the story I have to tell today isn't about her, it's about me. Me. Me. Me. It's always about me, that's what my mom says when she's pissed at me and that's what my friend tells me I should think when making life decisions. Anyway, we were on the movie of the suicide chick. Her psychiatrist makes her dream again and get her will to live back by making her believe that she's going to die soon anyway from an aneurysm. It's a very inspirational story kinda, I liked the setting and I couldn't help but to feel identified with the lead actress.

I'm also on anti depressives and I can't lie and tell you that it's been an easy path and that at the end will be daisies and a girl and a house on the fields where all my problems will go away. Pills are not magic, and yes, I have thought about suicide, not only once, nor twice, more like a few several dozen times. I've thought about ways, some days I think it should be painful, some days I think it should be pain free and quick. But well, everyone thinks about much more worse things and there's a huge step between thinking about something and doing it.

Either way, that's where the list comes into play, see, I always think my titles ahead, well not really, but sometimes I do and this time it's about that list. Old people call it the bucket list, I'm not 70 and about to die, thought to be honest everyone could be about to die, but well I like to think I'll die of a heart attack by age 40 because of the way I eat. Apparently a full diet of red meat everyday is not that wise for someone with hereditary high cholesterol, but I'll talk about heritage another time, right now it's about my non old bucket list.

Around age 13 I got my first panic attack, it wasn't the last, but again, I'll talk about that later, maybe the same time I'll talk about heritage since they are kinda related, but right now I'm thirteen, curling up in the cold floor during a cold December night having a mental breakdown. Thankfully no one was around because well, I don't know how I would have coped with being thought crazy at that age, it's pretty weird and bad at this age and I'm now legally to drink everywhere, which is apparently the requirement to be an adult.

So, as I curled up and cried about no real reason, because that's what panic attacks do, I thought that I wanted to die, right there, in the floor, in the most embarrassing position you could think of, I thought about my mom coming home and finding me there. And then I started thinking, there were many things I hadn't done and seen and that I couldn't die just there without doing them.

That's how the list started, it's not an actual list, it's a mental list though I have been meaning to write it down, maybe sometime soon, but well it's filled with things that I've been doing since I was 13 and that I have yet to do.

Being good at a sport, well, that one I could do, I practiced for five years and I made it to the nationals, I didn't win or anything but I've tied with the first places and I beat the best athletes from Dominican Republic once while training for the panamerican games.

Going to Europe, I've visited France and England and I loved it, I still have many places to visit though, my list is large and I'll probably not be able to fulfill it in my lifetime, but I can try.

Live in another country, I lived in the U.S. for a year, in Huntsville Texas, best year of my life so far, I learned so much about life, and that will go into another post altogether.

There were other things that I tried to do and couldn't, like learning to play the drums. I tried and I sucked at it, I still can't even play Rock band at easy mode without embarrassing my friends. I always get the vocals cause I do mildly better at them.

Other learning things that did go well was cooking and mixing drinks, I make one hell of a chocolate mousse and one awesome tequila sunrise. I learned how to draw, mostly on my own with tutorials and magazines, I may show you guys some of my stuff later, it's nothing like the background, I deliberately made it look like it was made by a 5 year old. I learned french and german and wanna keep learning them.

I conquered my fear of horror movies and roller coasters, and I did well, a lot of things I shouldn't have done that I don't regret for a second because that's a part of living you know? Doing whatever you want no matter the consequences, living.

There are many things left in my list, like finding a girl that makes me do all the crazy things that I'm still a bit scared of doing, but well, I'm sure it will happen someday, and the thought of those crazy things is what some days gets me through the hard times when I feel like having a gun permit, or choking a bitch or something.

So yeah, this may not be the happiest blog ever, but writing makes me feel better about things, so now that I've finished venting, I'll go spend the rest of my night playing some videogames and sleeping, Kingdom Hearts has been keeping me up late lately, it's a good game actually. I should replay it if I read this in some years.

viernes, 24 de septiembre de 2010

Contradictory contradictions

One of the perks of being a neurotic like myself is that you get to change your mind so many times a day that it's really unbelievable. For example, I practically fought 100 pirates and 100 ninjas to have some pie the other day, and then, while I was starting to eat it I just didn't feel like having it anymore.

The most important contradictions in my life however all happened when I was 17. But, before this story can be told I have to tell the back story first. I bet you've all been 17 or if you haven't you will be someday, so you should understand that well there are some relationships that have way more impact in your life. I've had three people changing my life for good, but for the sake of making the story short, I'll just say it that the one in question is the second. I've loved every single person I've been in a relationship with but after some heart breaks you get toughen up a little, and if you manage to end up a bitter 21 year old like myself and feel unable to open up entirely to someone again, then you know what I feel like, if not and you are one of those people that heart breaks do not phase them or you've never had your heart broken then this story is not for you.

I loved the way she felt so passionate about latin american literature, I loved the way she sang to Strawberry fields even though she wasn't in tune, I loved the way she hated her nose even though that was what I liked most about her, I loved walking aimlessly around town and getting thrown out of places we shouldn't be in. And I loved randomly walking into art exhibits.

Unfortunately, like most real stories that aren't filled with Unicorns not named Charlie, this one ends badly, it ends during prom actually, 2006. It feels like forever ago now, looking back on it, but that's why I am writing about it all, my memory hasn't been the most reliable one lately and there will come a time, when I'm having my midlife crisis when I'll want a subjective account of what happened the day before and after my high school prom 2006. Years after that we realized that neither of us was correct, like in all stories, we only knew our half of it, but the cliff notes version is that I have extreme commitment issues, not even commitment, it's more like fear of anyone ever becoming close to me because I feel like they'll leave me. So I do the only reasonable thing my brain finds reasonable and alienate everyone that comes close to me. Yeah, I know, I'm working on those issues now, but this is 2010, and that was 2006. And even today I am not completely over my issues, although at least I know I have them which is a point for me.

I hate how Latin American authors only talk about drugs, whores, ranches, corruption and the revolution, I hate that the heroes in Latin American histories are always the worse kind of people you can aim to be and I hate myself for being cheering for a prostitute that just faked her death and stole millions of dollars. I hate the Beatles and how everyone sings along without tune to their songs, I hate her nose and how we walked around town with nothing to do. I also hate how I feel every time I'm around her ever since which is not often I might add.

You know about those people that always try to end up in good terms? Yeah that's me and I am fooling myself and others when I say this, because no matter what happens, it's never the same, you can't return to that kind of friendship after the contradictions start.

Either way, this is the story about why I love to hate the Beatles, and the story about my Summer Finn, the girl that taught me that love is not imaginary and the girl that with the help of two others has made sure I don't open up to anyone else. But perhaps that's a story for another day.

jueves, 23 de septiembre de 2010

First day of the rest of my life

So everyone has one of those days, you know the ones when something important happens that you feel changed enough to say whatever the title of this entry says. Some people get these life turning event even twice, some others have them like twice a week whenever they have a slushy.

I quit my job today, it was my first job, and well, while at the beginning was exciting and I was learning awesome stuff, as time passed it became a chore, something dreadful that I didn't want to wake up to and something that I could always use as an excuse to be a jerk. "Oh sorry, I can't go out today, I have work :/". Yeah of course I felt truly bad when saying it, but not because I couldn't go out with said person but because I had to go to work.

I was happy today like I hadn't been since well... since work stopped being fun and started being something I pictured Satan torturing me with for stealing a pack of gum and an AC/DC ring during my "rebel" phase as a teenager.

It's weird, but I was happy today at work, maybe because I knew that it would end in a week from today when the month is over, I couldn't stand the thought of this perpetual underpaid limbo and once I could see the horizon it was like life was bright again.

I don't know what life has in store for me, I mean, life is usually good at shitting in people's faces, but I do know that it's not an eternity of that job, and today I've learned the most wonderful two words ever. I quit. Who would have known that if you didn't like something you could stop doing it? It sounds silly but people do things they don't like, all the time. And I'm serious, watching a parent struggle with a little snotty brat, watching an underpaid store clerk work cause he needs the money, or even those bimbos that marry those old guys that I imagine fall asleep during sex only for their money.

I'm a quitter today, and I'm damn proud of it.

So lesson of the day? Quitting is not for losers, quitting is for people that know they are not happy doing something they don't like. Quitting is for people who want to be happy, or at least not that miserable. Quitting rules!