sábado, 25 de septiembre de 2010

The list

So I watched this movie today, it was about a girl, on anti depressives, nothing wrong with her life, pretty successful as far as society says and she tries to kill herself. She doesn't succeed and well, the story I have to tell today isn't about her, it's about me. Me. Me. Me. It's always about me, that's what my mom says when she's pissed at me and that's what my friend tells me I should think when making life decisions. Anyway, we were on the movie of the suicide chick. Her psychiatrist makes her dream again and get her will to live back by making her believe that she's going to die soon anyway from an aneurysm. It's a very inspirational story kinda, I liked the setting and I couldn't help but to feel identified with the lead actress.

I'm also on anti depressives and I can't lie and tell you that it's been an easy path and that at the end will be daisies and a girl and a house on the fields where all my problems will go away. Pills are not magic, and yes, I have thought about suicide, not only once, nor twice, more like a few several dozen times. I've thought about ways, some days I think it should be painful, some days I think it should be pain free and quick. But well, everyone thinks about much more worse things and there's a huge step between thinking about something and doing it.

Either way, that's where the list comes into play, see, I always think my titles ahead, well not really, but sometimes I do and this time it's about that list. Old people call it the bucket list, I'm not 70 and about to die, thought to be honest everyone could be about to die, but well I like to think I'll die of a heart attack by age 40 because of the way I eat. Apparently a full diet of red meat everyday is not that wise for someone with hereditary high cholesterol, but I'll talk about heritage another time, right now it's about my non old bucket list.

Around age 13 I got my first panic attack, it wasn't the last, but again, I'll talk about that later, maybe the same time I'll talk about heritage since they are kinda related, but right now I'm thirteen, curling up in the cold floor during a cold December night having a mental breakdown. Thankfully no one was around because well, I don't know how I would have coped with being thought crazy at that age, it's pretty weird and bad at this age and I'm now legally to drink everywhere, which is apparently the requirement to be an adult.

So, as I curled up and cried about no real reason, because that's what panic attacks do, I thought that I wanted to die, right there, in the floor, in the most embarrassing position you could think of, I thought about my mom coming home and finding me there. And then I started thinking, there were many things I hadn't done and seen and that I couldn't die just there without doing them.

That's how the list started, it's not an actual list, it's a mental list though I have been meaning to write it down, maybe sometime soon, but well it's filled with things that I've been doing since I was 13 and that I have yet to do.

Being good at a sport, well, that one I could do, I practiced for five years and I made it to the nationals, I didn't win or anything but I've tied with the first places and I beat the best athletes from Dominican Republic once while training for the panamerican games.

Going to Europe, I've visited France and England and I loved it, I still have many places to visit though, my list is large and I'll probably not be able to fulfill it in my lifetime, but I can try.

Live in another country, I lived in the U.S. for a year, in Huntsville Texas, best year of my life so far, I learned so much about life, and that will go into another post altogether.

There were other things that I tried to do and couldn't, like learning to play the drums. I tried and I sucked at it, I still can't even play Rock band at easy mode without embarrassing my friends. I always get the vocals cause I do mildly better at them.

Other learning things that did go well was cooking and mixing drinks, I make one hell of a chocolate mousse and one awesome tequila sunrise. I learned how to draw, mostly on my own with tutorials and magazines, I may show you guys some of my stuff later, it's nothing like the background, I deliberately made it look like it was made by a 5 year old. I learned french and german and wanna keep learning them.

I conquered my fear of horror movies and roller coasters, and I did well, a lot of things I shouldn't have done that I don't regret for a second because that's a part of living you know? Doing whatever you want no matter the consequences, living.

There are many things left in my list, like finding a girl that makes me do all the crazy things that I'm still a bit scared of doing, but well, I'm sure it will happen someday, and the thought of those crazy things is what some days gets me through the hard times when I feel like having a gun permit, or choking a bitch or something.

So yeah, this may not be the happiest blog ever, but writing makes me feel better about things, so now that I've finished venting, I'll go spend the rest of my night playing some videogames and sleeping, Kingdom Hearts has been keeping me up late lately, it's a good game actually. I should replay it if I read this in some years.

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