viernes, 24 de septiembre de 2010

Contradictory contradictions

One of the perks of being a neurotic like myself is that you get to change your mind so many times a day that it's really unbelievable. For example, I practically fought 100 pirates and 100 ninjas to have some pie the other day, and then, while I was starting to eat it I just didn't feel like having it anymore.

The most important contradictions in my life however all happened when I was 17. But, before this story can be told I have to tell the back story first. I bet you've all been 17 or if you haven't you will be someday, so you should understand that well there are some relationships that have way more impact in your life. I've had three people changing my life for good, but for the sake of making the story short, I'll just say it that the one in question is the second. I've loved every single person I've been in a relationship with but after some heart breaks you get toughen up a little, and if you manage to end up a bitter 21 year old like myself and feel unable to open up entirely to someone again, then you know what I feel like, if not and you are one of those people that heart breaks do not phase them or you've never had your heart broken then this story is not for you.

I loved the way she felt so passionate about latin american literature, I loved the way she sang to Strawberry fields even though she wasn't in tune, I loved the way she hated her nose even though that was what I liked most about her, I loved walking aimlessly around town and getting thrown out of places we shouldn't be in. And I loved randomly walking into art exhibits.

Unfortunately, like most real stories that aren't filled with Unicorns not named Charlie, this one ends badly, it ends during prom actually, 2006. It feels like forever ago now, looking back on it, but that's why I am writing about it all, my memory hasn't been the most reliable one lately and there will come a time, when I'm having my midlife crisis when I'll want a subjective account of what happened the day before and after my high school prom 2006. Years after that we realized that neither of us was correct, like in all stories, we only knew our half of it, but the cliff notes version is that I have extreme commitment issues, not even commitment, it's more like fear of anyone ever becoming close to me because I feel like they'll leave me. So I do the only reasonable thing my brain finds reasonable and alienate everyone that comes close to me. Yeah, I know, I'm working on those issues now, but this is 2010, and that was 2006. And even today I am not completely over my issues, although at least I know I have them which is a point for me.

I hate how Latin American authors only talk about drugs, whores, ranches, corruption and the revolution, I hate that the heroes in Latin American histories are always the worse kind of people you can aim to be and I hate myself for being cheering for a prostitute that just faked her death and stole millions of dollars. I hate the Beatles and how everyone sings along without tune to their songs, I hate her nose and how we walked around town with nothing to do. I also hate how I feel every time I'm around her ever since which is not often I might add.

You know about those people that always try to end up in good terms? Yeah that's me and I am fooling myself and others when I say this, because no matter what happens, it's never the same, you can't return to that kind of friendship after the contradictions start.

Either way, this is the story about why I love to hate the Beatles, and the story about my Summer Finn, the girl that taught me that love is not imaginary and the girl that with the help of two others has made sure I don't open up to anyone else. But perhaps that's a story for another day.

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