It's been about a month since I relapsed, happiness didn't last long about a week or two, it's April now, I feel like time is running out, however the relapse came bearing symptoms it seems cause even though I had only had auditory hallucinations and minor ones at that, a week ago I had a strong visual one, I was at the stadium with a friend and I hallucinated a goal, the cheering and the score and everything, it was fucking weird, I came out thinking the game had ended one way when it had ended another.
The doc says it's natural, though I think he's being optimistic, so, symptoms get worse and I go worse along with them, I'm not liking it, it's like losing a part of myself inside myself, which is completely absurd. Anyway, I've been learning about html coding for websites lately, as well as making graphics for a writing site, ideas keep on coming and going like crazy, you know what my mind is like, a hive of random aleatory thoughts residing and making me not sleep.
I go from one thing to the next in a heart beat, I can't find a purpose, I just feel like I'm drifting away. I need to find a purpose otherwise I'm afraid the relapse could be permanent. I need to find a constant to keeping me sane and depression free, where is that constant? I used to be great at math, not so much anymore, but I remember being able to solve almost any equation, I wish it were that simple.
Purpose in the form of a mathematical equation, it would have only one or several correct answers. I don't even know what sort of result I'm searching for, a number, a place, a person, it could be anything. Then there's always the chance of the answer to my purpose equation being an imaginary number in order to solve for a real problem, which would of course mean that I'm screwed.
There's a song that I like, it's called the trick to life, it says that the trick to life is to not get too attached to it. Maybe it is right, I don't know, I only know there's something wrong with me and I need to find a way to fix it before it's done too much damage.
