I have a long history with alcohol, when I was a kid I saw my dad getting drunk and I swore to myself I would never be like him, I would never become my dad, and that included not drinking. That line of thought carried on until I was 17, which if you ask me that was a pretty long run since my junior high classmates started drinking at age 14. However due to the list and the fact that for a long time I was pretty sure I would die young (I still think so), I decided to try it, and from then, well, I liked it.
I didn't just like the flavor, I liked the disinhibition that came with it, it made me be a different person, you know, me, but less angry, less neurotic and less self conscious, in other words a better me, also a less articulate me. Anyway, I enjoyed it, and I also discovered that drinking got rid of my insomnia, which I've had since I was twelve, and so, when I really needed a night of sleep, I'd drink till I was ready to pass out. Not the healthiest way but sleeping pills did nothing for me.
Now I'm being treated for GAD which is well, an anxiety disorder, and I'm on a different list of meds, I can't drink for a while, not that I'm addicted, I've quit for extended periods of time before, but I do like to enjoy a good beer with my friends sometimes.
The reason of this post however is that the pills are also making me lose inhibition a bit, while not drunk, which feels weird, in a good way, today for example, a teacher, that I hate for stealing our advertising group research and campaign and not giving us any recognition, was giving us a talk, so I was well... taunting him. I wanted him to throw me out of his talk, not only because I hated the topic, but because I wanted some confrontation, no one had told him anything, but I wanted him to know... I wanted him to understand that talking about respect and creativity and ideals to a group of people you stole a whole advertising campaign from just 10 months ago is not only uncool, but one of the most hypocritical things I've ever heard in my life.
I wasn't the only one talking, but he decided to make an example out of me, and I felt fucking good that he did, because as I left the classroom and he gave me one last push by commenting something about the way I left to my classmates, I got the last argument my new found disinhibition needed, I turned around and outed him as an idea thief that didn't deserve any respect from me because he hadn't earned it.
For a split second before I turned around and left, I could see everyone's faces, they were all thinking it, and none of them could believe I had just done that, the teacher himself couldn't believe I had just said that, he got pale and got cold sweat as I talked. And as I made my scene today I felt good, I felt like I didn't need alcohol anymore to be that stronger, more interesting version of me that I seemed to love, because I am becoming the person I want to be. And that, was the best thing that has happened to me all week.
I'm right on track to become the man that I want to be, a brave man that speaks the truth, that is honest, that will probably earn the hate of a lot people, the respect of some others and that will probably die young from a shot to the chest for being himself. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way, because today, I fucking rocked that room and I didn't have to stay to listen to his boring talk. Being a blunt straightforward jackass has it's benefits.