Weird day today, I got asked in a date, got a smoothie, was awkward for a while, but I think it was overall ok. I need to break out of the routine of writing, thinking, pills and sleeping, so in that aspect I think it was positive. I am noticing though, that I'm no longer getting nervous at some events the way I used to, it's part of the dehumanization I was experiencing previously I guess, but I don't know. I guess it wasn't so bad.
Seeing red, roaches and shadows following me for the last week, it's not the best, but I manage. This is going to be a short one. I don't know as a kid I remember being able to talk to adults and other people my age with relative ease, I can't seem to do that anymore. I can't really relate to people that well, and my interests are too specific I don't know, I feel like I'm one of a kind.
I can't remember much from my childhood, mostly I remember pictures from that time, disneyland, old house, parents, relatives that are dead now. I can't recall that part of my life anymore. And now, I can't recall part of my nights, too much alcohol, I know I should stop it, but it provides a good escape, not remembering is better than feeling like I feel most of the time, though lately I've been acting stupid, I don't know if it's worthy anymore.
I've been making progress with therapy, and in my daily life, but I don't know if it will be enough. I hope it is, I still can't picture myself turning 30, I've never been able, lots of people have their lives all planned out, I've never been able to plan farther ahead than my 30's, I don't know what that means, but it sure isn't anything good. I hope it's not foretelling.