Sometimes it's hard to identify what you are feeling, it happens often to me. I remember being young and sort of just being there, I've always had a hard time giving second chances, it's one of those things that I just can't do. I guess that I don't really believe someone can actually change. It may something to do with the fact that it takes a major event to cause an effect big enough to change a person for good and unless someone knows of that which is pretty rare you will assume that everything remained constant and therefore that people haven't changed.
I was a smart kid, and I've always been unconventional, I don't like to be like everyone else. I sense people with positive points of view and people with negative ones, when I was little I could sense them in my two families, my mom's side well, they pretty much use negative criticism to try and affect someone, while my dad's side are the opposite, so as I grew up I learned to do the opposite of what my mom's side wants and follow advice of my dad's side, even though at personal level I trust my mom more than my dad.
It's weird, but I remember many instances, conversation I had with my cousin before she fucked up her life, another case of not giving second chances. I guess that's going to come back to haunt me at some point. I have had the chance to get to know the negative side lately, I understand everything better now though I don't know, regressions from my childhood keep coming to me. They've always considered me strange, unlike them, as if I'm not part of the family, not really anyway.
That's the feeling I've always got, I get criticized about everything I do, which makes me want to do it even more, I don't think they understand psychology that much to be honest. I don't know how my mom didn't get those criticism traits, or I guess we took them away from her, I don't know.
All I can say is that I have to change some of the things I say because some of them remind me of that, you learn by example, even things you don't want, it's funny the shit you have that you don't want. I have a lot of that. Plenty actually, I think that's a big part of my therapy session, which should be in like 6 and a half hours. Though I have other things in my head lately, I may talk about them here, though not yet, I need to clear up everything first. I should write about courage later, because it's been all through out my life and I haven't pinned down the moment it actually started.
Most people, they don't think like I think, they have a subject, or an opinion and they live their day, and they go unaware, they think about the present, or they think about the future, but mostly they think about themselves, I think about many things, I do introspection, imagine, think about subjects far too complicated, I don't think about the things that usually people like to think about.
It has it's flaws, naturally. But well, I don't know, I'm hoping for writing for a living eventually, which is something that could be done, nothing like this, these are my pure thoughts, the inner core, the things I will read in some years and think that I was naive and young. This has no plot, no goal, it's like most latin american literature, it lacks a point.
I will write stories, my childhood, with all its flaws and everything that happened has shaped me, I like to write things that say something, that entertain, that people will be able to read and be amazed at, fall in love with characters, imagine a new world with all I want them to think about. I don't want them to think about their shitty lives, an Egyptian cat or corrupt politicians, only self assured fools think this is the literature that people want to read. I aim to thrill.
This, has been my day, it ended with me writing after midnight, I know what moves me to do so, it's a different type of depression, not the paralyzing one, but the one that makes you want to have an imaginary world where everyone accepts your ideas and your thoughts no matter how obscure or twisted they are. That's what artists do, writers, painters, actors, we all share something, our souls have pieces that if not directed towards art people would find threatening.
If you talk about a double homicide and the ways you would get away with it people would think you were a creep, but if you write about it, people think you are just an artist. Artists are lucky to have a talent to let these thoughts flow out. That why the world always progresses through the liberal, the artists, the free thinkers, they express the thoughts that others cannot and it allows them to have a more open mind, to not conform to society, to fight against the current way of thinking.
I believe that more people should be artists, though complete artists, not the ones that follow orders and call what they do art, that's not being an artist and it's certainly not art, just because something has beauty, like ballet, doesn't make all the dancers artists, only the ones that make the routines and that learn to think and express through the dance. I know many dancers that are not free thinkers, only the ones that think through the dancing are the ones that I could certainly call artists.
This last comes obviously from all the artists and make believe artists that have entered my life, I can see many of them debating my points of view. Which is why I love to be an artist, as long as you express through words, you can't hear people telling you off. Always ask why, that's the most important question. All of the others are never as important.